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Black Friday Madness At Landi’s Cafe In Coalisland
Outside Landi’s now
Witnesses have described the Black Friday carnage at a well known Coalisland fast food establishment as ‘sheer madness’ and ‘total bedlam’ after a deal on the sausage supper and a can of Lilt set pulses in the town racing.
The supper meal deal, which normally costs £4.99, was reduced to £3.99 for one day only, with a cowboy supper slashed from £5.99 to £5.20.
Before doors opened at 9am, an estimated 44 people were already shouldering each other in order to gain prime position for the charge to the counter. Although several calls were made to the PSNI to monitor the crowd before the opening by concerned town residents, authorities failed to appear with one police source reportedly saying ‘Coalisland? Are you serious?’
One regular punter, who was interviewed with a damaged sausage balancing delicately on his shoulder, revealed:
“Landi’s should have known better. I was in simply to get a bag of fish goujons for breakfast but ended up on the floor wrestling with a cousin over a portion of beans I didn’t even want. When the hurling sticks were produced I decided to give up the ghost but was still hit on the head with a severely battered sausage.”
Estimates suggest over 260 hungry customers were crammed into the premises at 9:30. Shortly after, a mini-riot commenced after owners admitted there was no Lilt left, with many refusing the offer of a free 7-Up.
“When the message was relayed about the Lilt, people lost it. The till was smashed and people were chanting things like ‘you can shove your Fanta up yer hole’ and stuff like that. This meal deal was an ill-advised decision.”
Early reports also suggest there were skirmishes just off the Tamnamore roundabout after a roadside strawberry vendor refused to reduce any of his prices for Black Friday.
Stewartstown Labourer Sacked For Having Fancy Sandwiches
Coyne felt alienated
An experienced labourer and expert hole-digger has expressed his disappointment after receiving his marching orders for continually bringing less traditional fillings for his lunch time sandwiches. Fergal Coyne, 44, claims his ability to think outside the box has cost him his job:
“I’ve been working on sites since I was 15 and recently got sick of eating corned beef and ham sandwiches day in-day out. We’re currently adding a beer garden to the back of the Credit Union and I thought I would spice up my lunch break by bringing in smoked salmon and egg mayo fillings for a granary breaded effort. Well, the looks I got when I explained what it was. One lad from Galbally said ‘your type is not wanted around here’ as he got tore into his apple and chocolate Club bar. I ignored him but then his mate came over and kicked the sandwich clean out of my hand.”
Undeterred, Coyne returned next morning with a mango and cashew filling but was met with an even frostier reception.
“I was digging a great hole and I spotted two boys from Pomeroy going through my stuff. By the time I went over they had smeared ‘stop being a bollocks’ on the gable wall with my filling. It was disheartening. I phoned the Builders’ Union that night to come in and observe the discrimination the next day”.
The Stewartstown Builders’ Union were on site in the morning and witnessed events first hand:
“Yes, we saw what the problem was. Fergal arrived this morning with pita bread filled with beef and vegetables. We were shocked and felt quite angry, almost aggressive, towards him. For decades we’ve been eating the traditional four ham sandwiches, tin of Fanta, apple, Club biscuit and maybe a banana. We’ve no time for this fancy dan American stuff. So we fecked him off the site and told him he’ll never get another job digging holes in Stewartstown again. We’ll also pay out compensation to the other workers for stress related illnesses.”
Coyne is considering moving to Donaghmore.
Tyrone Tribulations 