Blog Archives
Despite Further Queen Revelation, “Stupid Looking Hats”, Orange Order Calls For No Queen Bonfire Effigies In 2025
The former Queen of England, the German Elizabeth Windsor, allegedly told a close friend in a letter that as well as the 12th of July being a time for silly marching, she thought their hats were stupid looking and that most of the marchers were ‘overfed’. The Orange Order has responded by calling for no effigies of the Queen on the bonfires next year.
With bonfires already at breaking point with nationalist and republican election posters as well as GAA emblems and the Irish flags, organisers are worried that they may keel over if effigies of the royal family of England are added to the load. Bonfire strategist Billy Bunting explained:
“Listen I understand that we’re annoyed at the Queen at the minute but she might have said these things when in a bad mood. Not all the hats are silly and not all the marchers are overfed. In fact, many of us lose weight marching 10 miles til the field. I urge bonfire construction supervisors to hold back on piling on the royal family. We’ve enough to burn as it is.”
A Freddie Mercury poster was vandalised in Lisburn after the Queen’s comments became public at the weekend in what was a mistaken identity.
Irish rap band Kneecap are said to be excited about appearing in bonfires next year, as well as the rap industry in general.
School Report Uproar As Prank Backfires In Loughmacrory College
An ill-conceived prank by the Loughmacrory PE department left a mother in tears after her son’s report suggested extreme measures to rectify his non-existent misbehaviour and under-performance.
Johnny Quinn, who achieved 10 A* grades and one E grade in his Year 8 report as well as Student of the Year and 100% attendance, arrived home on the day of his report to find his mother distraught after reading his English subject report.
Unbeknownst to his English teacher Mr McAleer, who was off on long-term leave after cutting off the branch he was sitting on during a spot of home gardening, a contingent of PE teachers conspired to fill in Tommy’s English Language report.
Grading him an ‘E’, despite having already published a poetry anthology at the age of 10, his subject report simply read:
“This bastard should be shot.”
Principal Kinnear admitted CCTV cameras, recently fitted after two History teachers were spotted canoodling in the Science corridor, would be examined to catch the culprit.
“Mrs Quinn is now pacified but the poor woman was traumatised after three hours of wondering where it all went wrong for Tommy in his favourite subject. Only for Tommy spotting a mistake in Mr McAleer’s signature we would have never have known it was a PE teacher.”
Tommy has since been awarded his 11th A* at Loughmacrory College of Excellence.
Tyrone Tribulations 