Breaktime at Kildress P.S.

In their latest newsletter, Nasa scientists have confirmed that Kildress is the most snow-covered area on the planet, beating both polar regions, Siberia and Alaska into the bargain. In an example of its tendency to attract crystalline water-ice, a flash flood on Thursday morning saw three feet of snow fall in ten minutes in the area although it was never reported in the news due to the BBCs policy of avoiding Kildress. The 2011 census revealed that there are now 600 eskimos living in and around the Omagh Road, a statistic welcomed by local PR man Jake McClane.

“It’s a match made in heaven. These wee eskimos are bringing great trade to the local shop. They’re constantly buying chisels, fish, animal hides, kayaks and Husky dogs – things we’ve always traditionally stocked here. We get on tarra well too. The language seems to be amazingly similar. They do a lot of ‘umm’, ‘ooooh’, ‘amm’ and ‘me want ham’ and sure we’re just the same. We seem to understand each other perfectly. They also jump up and down a lot beating their chest whilst wrecking things – hey presto – so do we. It’s deadly.”

Archeologists are now looking into the theory that Kildress might have been an early Eskimo or Inuit settlement 4000 years ago, attracted by the unique micro-climate of the area. Another remarkable connection was uncovered last month when ancient Eskimo poetry was translated by Seamus Heaney which identified their word for ‘eternal happiness’ or ‘paradise’ as ‘Kildress’.

“I can’t deny there has been some protests from the Kildress Independent Front but sure those two boys are harmless enough. They’ll soften their stance when they see young Aipaloovik Alacatchi line out for the Wolfe Tones’ Under 14s this year. He’s a hardy wee footballer. Takes no crap. Great hands.”

The Kildress Inn are holding a cultural weekend of arctic festivities including sleigh-racing, snowball-rolling and the building of a five foot igloo on the pitch itself which is sure to pull in great crowds.