Blog Archives
Tight January Sees Man Raid Back Of Cupboard To Eat Tinned Sardines And Pickled Onion Sandwiches For Dinner
A Pomeroy electrician has admitted that things have gotten so tight this month, after a Christmas spending splurge, he is contemplating making a cake made out of stuff from the back of his cupboard, including soup lentils, Horlicks, and a dried-out Pot Noodle which was Best Before Feb 2022.
Dermy Devlin, who usually hokes around the back of the cupboard around the 25th of most months, declared that January has been so tight this year that he has already defrosted and eaten a dinner he put in the freezer during the Covid years and wasn’t sure what it was.
“Tight month alright. I’m thinking down the line here and reckon I could make a cake made out of Oxo stock cubes, barley and half a bag of brown flour. I found a tin of sardines and a jar of pickled onions yesterday and made a delightful sandwich, washed down with diluted blackcurrent juice. It might be something I’ll try again if I’ve guests around.”
Devlin revealed another top tip he has used during the week that he believes may be set to revolutionise budget spending in the home:
“I use teabags three times. The key to this is to drink three cups of tea in rapid-quick time with one teabag so that the teabag never dries out and maintains a level of acceptability. So that means I’ve three cups of tea in one sitting and not just one. By the time I’ve drank the 3rd cup, sometimes within about seven minutes, I’m sick of the tea and don’t want any more for at least six hours.”
In other news, a pothole in Dungannon has been granted a provisional place on the UNESCO World Heritage List and is set to become a tourist attraction for its size and longevity.
Cannibalistic Thoughts On The Rise As January Refuses To End
Doctors across the country have released a joint statement urging people to hang in there for another week after they revealed that almost 55% of the population admitted to having cannibalistic thoughts over the last week.
In what has been labelled ‘the longest January since records began’, households have been scurrying to the back of their cupboards trying to muster up some kind of meal with many resorting to sugar sandwiches and pickled onions from a jar.
However, in a more sinister development, hundreds have admitted to either having cannibalistic daydreams or on the receiving end of weird looks from friends in pubs and at Mass etc.
Without breaking any confidentiality agreement, Dr McGonagle from Dromore revealed the extent of the January blues:
“Only last week, one of the Kelly girls from up the road told me she seriously considered taking a lump out of her sister’s arm whilst she slept. This was just one of thirteen similar stories I received that day. People are also worried that others are sizing them up too. I urge people to hang in there for another week.”
Although most families will receive some form of income within the next seven days, police have doubled their presence in the county to deter any illegal eating.
Tyrone Tribulations 