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St Patrick Wanted To Wipe Out Eel Industry As Well As The Snakes
Government papers have revealed that St Patrick had his sights set on obliterating the eel industry in Tyrone as soon as he had rid the county of snakes. The secret documents show that negotiations between Patrick, the Pope, and the Irish leader at the time Red Gurty O’Neill became heated as the future saint ‘went mad and threw a stick at a donkey in pure anger’ after he was refused permission to wipe out the eels.
Patrick, who despised slithery creatures, had already destroyed the snake industry, with the thriving snake boots, favoured by armies around the time, more or less impossible to buy by the time he turned his attention to the eels. Many snake businesses were left to fend for themselves with no package put in place to ease the financial burden.
Minute-taker at the time, Hosie McNally, wrote:
“Patrick was demented when O’Neill and the Pope said no to the eel initiaive. He started cursing in Welsh and threatened to smite all the Gaels of the country if he didn’t get his way. It was only when St Brigid arrived that he calmed down. She had a great effect on him. She wasn’t a saint yet but we called her St Brigid anyway.”
Til this day, the mention of St Patrick around the loughshore sends shivers down fishermen in case he comes back in some form to finish off his crusade.
Descendant Of St Patrick Claims He Wasn’t Much Of A Drinker
An Urney man, who claims he’s the last living descendant of Saint Patrick, maintains the national saint wasn’t all that fussed on alcohol and was also an opponent of fracking but liked stupid knock knock jokes.
Dessie Jones, who claims a direct lineage from St Patrick and walks around Urney wearing green cloaks, mitre and a staff, reckons his ancestor wouldn’t be all that bothered on the whole celebrations malarky but loved the sort of music More Power To Your Elbow play:
“Aye, stories have been passed down about our Paddy. He was some character by all accounts but a bit ruthless with animals he didn’t like. The snakes didn’t stand a chance as soon as one of them ate a hole in his favourite tunic. Also, one sip of the hard stuff and he was under the table. I couldn’t see him wetting the day with a few black ones but loved the fiddledy dee music and shouted ‘yeoooo’ a lot.”
Dessie was quick to point out that Patrick wasn’t a party pooper:
“No, quite the opposite I’m led to believe. My father said he was supposedly a deadly man for tripping people by sticking a foot out from under a hedge. And he was a sucker for the knock knock jokes. His favourite was the atheist one: ‘Knock Knock‘. ‘Who’s there?’. ‘God‘. ‘Who?’. ‘God‘. ‘Who?’. ‘God‘. ‘Must have been the wind‘. As I said he was some joker, our Paddy.”
Jones reminded people that Patrick had strong views on fracking and wouldn’t be surprised if he made it rain for 200 days on Fermanagh if it goes ahead.
“Two things our Paddy hated. Fracking and people eating with their mouths open. I’m also told he had a brilliant throw and could hurl rocks at police accurately from 100 yards away.”
Urney have confirmed they will honour St Patrick with a whiskey tasting session after Mass.
Tyrone Tribulations 