Blog Archives
Government Approve Plans To Re-Deploy Teachers Over The Summer On The Roads
Officials at Stormont have rubberstamped plans to use teachers in July and August, with most being asked to refill potholes, cut hedges, or operate temporary start-stop signs at roadworks.
Although all teaching unions have vowed to fight the decision, government insiders are convinced that the decision cannot be overturned, with one remarking ‘this will wipe the smug smirks off their faces’.
DUP councillor Margarite Bryson explained:
“Teachers wouldn’t need to forget that they work for the government. They get paid a full wage for doing nothing for two months apart from going for coffee or living it up in Majorca. We’ve already earmarked a road outside Toome that has 17 potholes and the hedges need a good trimming. If we can assign about 10 teachers to that road in July it’ll be in some shape by September.”
Three teachers have already taken up work on a road near the Moy, taking turns to operate the temporary stop-start sign. Unfortunately, one of the teachers, who normally teaches RE, pulled a muscle in her left arm and is out on the sick for three months.
Ardboe Parishioners Strip Shipwrecked Antrim Boat And Hold 12 Captive Until Boat Totally Raided
Ardboe is now said to be one of the most stylish parishes in the county after a shipwrecked boat was looted in the early hours of Saturday morning.
The boat, which set sail from Antrim to Toome to cart across fancy clothes, tobacco, make-up, spices and musical instruments, took a wrong turn and crashed into an Ardboe shore at 4am on Saturday 22nd July, .
Word of the wreckage reached most local households within seconds, with hundreds of Ardboians descending upon the boat, taking captive the dozen inhabitants and looting the vessel, leaving it ‘like a canoe’ according to witnesses.
Many women in the area were spotted wearing fur coats the following morning, with one wife claiming she had “enough mascara that will last me 10 years”.
Local curate, Canon McGuigan, added:
“I’ve never seen Ardboe look as well. Most houses have new wooden doors and all the women look class. The dozen Antrim ones have been released without harm and sure they had a safe enough vessel left to get back.”
The last boat looted in Ardboe was in 2021.
One of the sailors has decided to remain in Ardboe, having taken a shine to one of the Coneys.
Primary School Girl Suspended For Throwing Cow Dung At Classmate After He Asked Her To Marry Him
An 8-year old Moortown school girl has been controversially suspended from school for three days after she lifted cow dung from a neighbouring field and flung it at a besotted classmate during lunch time.
The P5 lad, who had asked the girl to marry him during an underwhelming maths lesson earlier in the day, had to take the following day off school due to some of the stuff still being stuck in his ear.
His mother, the 1988 Moortown Levi Jeans Rear of the Year champion Marie Quinn, maintains the girl acted a bit aggressively to her son’s innocent enough request:
“Put it like this: She didn’t learn about throwing dung from the back a of crisp packet so she didn’t. My young lad is humiliated and heartbroken all at the same time. He just thought she was maybe a good catch in 20 year’s time as her family have a rake of houses with good road frontage.”
Although the school have refused to comment on the actual incident, they did issue a statement condemning the practice of throwing dung and confirmed there have been no cases of this at the school withing the last 24 months.
In other news, eels have been seen swimming on their backs up near Toome. Scientists have asked people not to worry and that it’s probably just a few ones larking about.
Lough Neagh Dolphin-Watchers Tour Firm (WTF) Go Bust
Lough Neagh dolphin?
Despite positive feedback from their exclusive firework-inspired business launch outdoor dinner last year, the Lough Neagh Dolphin-Watchers Tour Firm (LNDWTF or WTF for short) have announced an annual loss of 600% or £800’000, with the company ceasing trade immediately.
WTF also confirmed their office mysteriously went on fire just before the announcement and are waiting the outcome of a ‘big claim’ because of the suspected arson, with the finger firmly pointed at the Shark-Watchers’ Society at Toome.
WTF’s CEO Patrick McCabe admitted the take-up on the whole dolphin experience was rather disappointing:
“Everyone loves dolphins we thought. Well, apparently in East Tyrone they don’t. We never even had one customer since the website booking mechanism went live on 25th May 2014. We thought maybe it was bad Internet connections or something but after canvassing outside chapels in recent Sundays we now realise there’s no appetite for dolphins around here. The eels have it sown up.”
WTF’s European Union grant of £1m does not have to be repaid as a recently publicised loop-hole exempts EU funded businesses from paying the money back if they have been in existence for over 12 months.
McCabe maintains there is no money to pay back anyway:
“The £1m is well gone. We had to install glass bottoms in our boats as well as loads of hi-vis jackets in case we fell in. It’s just a big pity people aren’t into dolphins around here. The Lough Neagh species exhibits a falcate dorsal fin, a prominent beak, strong social bonds and is very acrobatic and capable of great bursts of speed in the water. This species frequently rides the bow wave of our tour boat in Hawaii. They just seem to be more shy here. Maybe they’re afraid of the whales.”
When asked for photographic evidence of the Lough Neagh dolphin, McCabe momentarily showed us a picture of something floating in the lough in the distance, probably the stump of a tree or something.
Tyrone Tribulations 