Notorious privatised Donaghmore clamper Jamesy McMahon accidentally clamped himself whilst clamping a 1999 Ford Escort parked illegally in the village main street outside Costcutters. McMahon, who was given exclusive clamping powers by Stormont in 2009 for that area, was still receiving treatment in Craigavon Hospital last night for severe leg wounds and battered pride.

Clamper McMahon

Hoping to nail his 311th clamping this year in Donaghmore, McMahon was disturbed in the process of securing another £90 by a passenger shouting obscenities at the Donaghmore terror.

“I was just doing my job. Patsy King knows he shouldn’t abandon that rust-bucket there. That’s the 6th time I’ve caught him. Just as I secured the final bolt, Johnny Donnelly drove past and called me a ‘good for nothing oul bollocks’. I made a move to offer the middle finger in return when my leg jerked inside the clamp and the bastard thing locked itself. It was excruciatingly painful and extremely embarrassing. I was vulnerable and scared. I thought they were going to eat me”

Before long, the whole of Donaghmore were out on the street clodding McMahon with potatoes, lumps of meat and scalding tea and performing some kind of cannibalistic dancing ritual. A good samaritan phoned the clamping man in Pomeroy who arrived within an hour to release McMahon, charging him £90 for the service. The ambulance arrived to take McMahon to Craigavon but he still managed to re-clamp the Ford, laughing as he was escorted into the emergency vehicle, shouting ‘yiz pack a effin hillbillies. I’ll be back’.