Artist’s impression

A calamitous series of mix-ups resulted in twelve Carrickmore parishoners fearing the worst as a clearly intoxicated Fr Pollox got confused during the burial of pensioner Caster McCloy this morning. McCloy, a local character and hero to many in Carrickmore due to his dual role as local area doctor and manager of the underage teams, was mourned by over 1000 attendees according to eyewitness reports. Burial proceedings were held up when Fr Pollox, especially requested to carry out the final resting place holy orders, had to be retrieved from the nearby pub after a marathon 12-hour drinking binge.

“Ah poor Fr Pollox,” family friend Francie Gormley told us, “He was tarra fond of oul Caster. It was a hard blow for him and he took to the batter throughout the wake. He was in some shape when he arrived by the graveside. On three occasions, the altar boys prevented him from falling in himself by houling on to his vestments. It was a sorry state of affairs with the wailing in the congregation coupled with the burping and rifting coming from the good Father himself.”

The obviously disorientated cleryman mixed up the deceased’s name at least a dozen times and on every occasion a grief-stricken mourner would leap in to the freshly dug grave, too delirious with sorrow to question his orders.

“I hadn’t seen anything like it. I think the first one was when the Father said ‘we are here to bury Seamie the Red Boy’ and sure didn’t Seamus take a buck leap into the grave. Following him at 2-3 minute intervals was Jake Morrow, Pat Lundy, Dan McCann, Peader Horner, Marty McAliskey, Leo Burden, Henry McNally, Norm Kelly, Brendan Savage, Paul O’Brien and oul Joe Ryan and him 94. I don’t know whether it’s the encompassing effect of mass lamentation or the power of the clergy but there were 12 men standing in the grave with the coffin as Fr Pollox threw soil on them. Even better, didn’t members of Caster’s family throw muck on them too. It wasn’t until the wife of Seamie the Red Boy pulled him out that we woke out of our stupor. Deadly stuff altogether.”

Castor McCloy was eventually laid to rest after two hours of pulling men out. Reports of a missing Norm Kelly have sparked fears he might still be in there.