Probably not the Brocagh Beast

Brocagh residents last night were said to be frightened, confused and bewildered after new sightings of the mythological Beast of Brocagh were reported around fields off the Ballybeg Road. Fresh rumours of the unidentified ogre roaming the countryside began after Minnie Davidson spotted what she described as a ‘hairy-arsed monster buck-leaping about singing songs from the Wolfe Tones’ whilst she was out wasp-spotting.

“It’s hard to describe. It’s sorta half stooped over and always seems to be drinking from a bottle of Bushmills, completely bare to the world. It has been stalking these parts for 60 years now. I used to think it was oul Mick Quinn on the batter but I’ve seen his arse and it’s definitely not his. I’d be worried about the Brocagh Sports Day next week. It’s be a PR disaster if it won the wellie-throwing competition”.

Several sightings over the last half century has shed little light on what the beast actually his. Some claim it’s something from the Lough, like a man-eel. Others maintain it’s simply Tom McGurk escaping from the pressures of his RTE job once in a while.

“It could be Tom but then a girl in 1988 said she saw it up close and it didn’t have the McGurk head on him. She said it was more of a McGorey or Robinson. Whatever it is I’m locking the windows. The same girl says he had mesmerising eyes and that made him sorta good-looking despite the bloodied teeth, smell of drink and it covered in hair. I’ve had my fill of Brocagh men like that”.

BBC and UTV have sent their cameras down today to see if they can spot the Beast despite rumours that it’s sitting in Dorman’s (Tessies) at this very minute waiting for first orders.