Artist’s impression of post-eruption Pomeroy

SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

News emerged yesterday of an active volcano sitting underneath the village of Pomeroy which could erupt at any moment, endangering the lives of thousands.

Pomeroy, Northern Ireland’s highest village, was long-considered to be sitting on the side of what was recently described in the 2013 Irish Journal of Geological Sciences as ‘a fecking big hill’. However, local expert seismologist Dr Kieran Duffy from Ardboe has confirmed that it is indeed actually a volcano which is currently active, and that it could erupt at any time.

“Aye that’s right”, said Duffy. “That volcano’s deadly active boys, and it could erupt at any time. Ghost oh”.

If the volcano does erupt, it is anticipated it could send out an estimated 100,000 tons of rock and ash up to two miles into the earth’s atmosphere, destroying everything within a 30 mile radius in an apocalyptic event not seen on the planet for over 1,000 years.

“I’ve just put a washing out”, complained Kitty Donnelly of Loughbracken Road. “It’s a damned nuisance. If there’s any soot gets on my smalls there’ll be hell to pay. When’s it supposed to erupt? It’s such a good drying day too. Where’s Barry McElduff’s phone number?”

Meantime, there have been reports of panic-buying of marshmallows from Mace, whilst sales of toasting forks in the area have reached an all time high.

Pomeroy Village Council chairman Danny Devlin, said,

“To be honest, we were a bit relaxed about the whole thing. We thought ‘Volcano’ was the name of a pizza with thon wee spicy green yolks on it, out the Fairhill Diner on main street. Now we’re up to speed, if there’s an eruption we’re determined not to make a hames of it. We’ve put a big bucket of water on the corner of the Diamond, and we’ve already started an appeal for oven gloves in case things get too warm. Maybe we should get a wee bag of sand too to be on the safe side. That should do it”.

The volcano has already been dubbed ‘The Broll-cano’, owing to its potential to erupt without warning and for no discernible reason.

Ardboe locals have also moved to reassure Pomeranians that Dr Duffy is clean mad and wasn’t a real doctor of volcanoes. He also predicted an apocalyptic man-eating eel invasion in 2005.