All with Greencastle blood

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A report published yesterday by the World Institute of Genetic Studies has said that, contrary to general popular opinion, people from Greencastle may actually be amongst the most intellectually advanced and civilised on the planet.

Professor Wolfgang Schmidt who authored the report, said,

“It’s true. In a bizarre scientific anomaly named the Crockanboy Paradox, it appears that whilst these Greecastle people are high-functioning geniuses, they are painfully shy about it and so hide their astonishing intellect by deliberately behaving shifty and acting the lig, so their massive brainpower never actually reveals itself to us ordinary folk. Incredible”.

However, the report said that Greencastle people occasionally let the façade slip by accident, as confirmed by a secretly recorded conversation between scientists in disguise trying to catch people out, and a Greencastle man who was standing next to a bus stop shouting at some cows. When casually asked if he happened to know the secret of the universe, he responded,

“Eh, what? What do you want? Out of my buckin’ way. The Weakest Link’s starting. Life is an illusion and reality is merely a figment of the imagination hi”. After realising his mistake, he yelled, “Ye pair of feckers. Shift yer arses”,

before hurriedly lapsing into an incoherent rant about socks.

“Quite simply, we cannot understand what it is to be someone from Greencastle, to think like they do, to act like they do”, surmised Schmidt. “While we’re thinking about football or if there’s enough milk in the fridge to last until the weekend, they’re pondering loftier and superior issues like black holes, the infinity of God and those complicated Swedish TV programmes. But it’s when they gather together with their own kind in places like Eddie’s Crossroad, that’s when their exceptional brilliance manifests itself. It’s like an episode of Doctor Who or something. Bloody masterminds, the lot of them. They probably invented gravity in the olden days. And we believe the really smart ones may have perfected time travel, which explains why some of them walk about like they stepped out of the 1970s”.

The report also revealed that Donaghmore people, previously thought to be cultured, refined and sophisticated, actually have fewer chromosomes than the pollen fish, and that in future anyone from Donaghmore wishing to marry from out of the area may have to present a certificate which confirms that they have sub-standard genetic material.