Monthly Archives: December 2024
Despite Further Queen Revelation, “Stupid Looking Hats”, Orange Order Calls For No Queen Bonfire Effigies In 2025
The former Queen of England, the German Elizabeth Windsor, allegedly told a close friend in a letter that as well as the 12th of July being a time for silly marching, she thought their hats were stupid looking and that most of the marchers were ‘overfed’. The Orange Order has responded by calling for no effigies of the Queen on the bonfires next year.
With bonfires already at breaking point with nationalist and republican election posters as well as GAA emblems and the Irish flags, organisers are worried that they may keel over if effigies of the royal family of England are added to the load. Bonfire strategist Billy Bunting explained:
“Listen I understand that we’re annoyed at the Queen at the minute but she might have said these things when in a bad mood. Not all the hats are silly and not all the marchers are overfed. In fact, many of us lose weight marching 10 miles til the field. I urge bonfire construction supervisors to hold back on piling on the royal family. We’ve enough to burn as it is.”
A Freddie Mercury poster was vandalised in Lisburn after the Queen’s comments became public at the weekend in what was a mistaken identity.
Irish rap band Kneecap are said to be excited about appearing in bonfires next year, as well as the rap industry in general.
TT Alphabetical Review Of 2024 Part 1 (A-C)
A – Armagh. Where else to start but with our lovely apple-chomping, diesel smuggling, centre for ecclesiastical worshipping neighbours Armagh. Their second-coming has paved the way for a decade of Tyrone dominance just as they did in 2002. The similarities are remarkable. Sam in the Orchard has sparked new management in the Bushes, hungry Canavans, and a chance to ignore the traditional guard of honour in the league. Armagh are a bit like Moses for us. Or John the Baptist.
B – Brolly. You can’t keep a good man down. The highlight of the year was when the Dungiven dramatist launched a scathing attack on caravan owners whilst discussing the Mickey Harte to Derry situation. Despite protestations from his long-suffering partner, Dion Dublin, he labelled caravaners’ fools’. Quite why he hates caravans is unclear, though a friend in Knockloughrim told me he was dumped by a girl from Cookstown in the 1980s at a resort in Bundoran which might shed light on his distaste for mobile homes.
C – Cookstown. Cookstown held on to its claim as the longest main street in Ireland for a remarkable 211 consecutive years. Plans to create a bypass through the town have left locals on edge in case they cut the main street up a bit, but as it stands, like Armagh ones, Cookstonians can wake up on New Year’s Day knowing they’re still the best of the bunch.
‘Mary’ Leaves Scathing Review Of Manger In Beragh On Tripadvisor: “Rip-Off Merchants”.
A 33-year-old pregnant woman who traveled over 3000 miles in recent days to search for distant relatives near Omagh over Christmas, has ridiculed a rentable shed/outhouse in Beragh for ‘looking like a pigsty’ and for having ‘a wile smell of shite’ off the manger.
The reviewer, who goes by the username of Mary0000, added that there wasn’t even as little as a crib for a bed and that the cattle were making a weird sound all night, like ‘lowwwwwww’.
She added, on Tripadvisor:
“If that wasn’t bad enough, three headcases from Omagh kept knocking on the door trying to give me presents. They were off their heads on ether or some other stuff they called frankenstein or something but it was definitely illegal. And the dick of an owner charged me £300 for the night even though it was only £120 last night. I won’t be back. No stars from me.”
The manager of the Beragh Manger Facilities, Ally Rogers, defended his premises and hit back on the website by accusing Mary0000 of showing up at all hours of the night and moaning about all the other places being closed.
“She’s just a whinger” added Rogers. “I think the parter, Joe, was a bit embarrassed”.
Plumbers Gear Up For Bigger Sized Brussels Sprouts Carnage. May Charge Time And A Half.
With news emerging that Brussels Sprouts are 25% bigger this season, plumbers across the country are bracing themselves for multiple call-outs around Christmas, with the 26th of December expecting to witness record-breaking toilet-related breakdowns.
The Tyrone Plumbers Union (TPU) has urged its members to charge time and a half for call-outs around the festive period due to the unsavory jobs they’ll need to fulfill because of the size of the Brussels Sprouts.
TPU director, Terry Hanna, explained:
“Farmers have told us that this season’s sprouts are enormous. In some cases, only two sprouts can be physically eaten at the one time and I’ve a bad feeling they’re going to play havoc with the digestive system. Toilets these days are getting smaller when they should be getting bigger. I can only see catastrophe after catastrophe ahead. We’ll make a bomb though. £160 a call-out at least.”
Doctors have urged families to ration the large sprouts as they fear increased bowel-related incidents on Christmas Day. In 1988, a man from Killyclogher managed to block all three toilets in his house before 3pm on Christmas Day.
Strabane Open Ireland’s First Drive-Thru Botox Shop
Despite only being able to do one side of the face per visit, Strabane’s drive-thru botox shop, Fill Her Up, said it had a successful first day today. Over 60 cars accessed the drive-thru, spending an average of 6 minutes at a time.
Fill Her Up general manager, Juliana Graham, has reminded locals that they may see many people with one side of their face botoxed this week around Strabane, and that it’s only a temporary measure until next week or whenever they can afford the other side done.
“I’ve also urged today’s customers to drive through the drive-thru the opposite way next time so that we don’t botox the same side of their face. That can be dangerous and lead to irreversible one-side stretching.”
Strabane’s other botox shop, Convenient Injectables, said it has no plans to introduce a drive-thru as most of its operations take two hours. They expressed concerns over 6-minute botoxing.
Two Pints, Two Packets of Bacon Fries and One Whiskey Chaser Costs Punter £73 In Coalisland Public House
A Coalisland percussionist has admitted to applying to the Credit Union this morning, after a round last night cost £73 for just himself and his da last night. The order of a pint of Guinness, a pint of Stella, two packets of Smith’s Bacon Fries, and a Bushmills chaser left Harry Gillis in tears, although he still managed to finish the drink, and ordered another round.
The hostelry landlord, Mickey Quinn, could not give a breakdown of how the order came to £73 but was adamant that it sounded about right, as a pint is around £20 or so, he thinks.
Gillis fumed:
“I was warned ok that all pubs are dear holes these days but I wasn’t expecting that. I think he charged about £15 for the Bacon Fries and I counted them. There were only 9 of them in the packet and the oul fella took five. And the whisky was for him too. I went to the toilet when I brought the stuff to the table, and cried for about six minutes.”
Despite the astromonical cost, Gillis got another round in before heading to Landi’s for a cowboy supper and a tin of Lilt.
Brocagh Scrooge ‘Even Worse’ After Visits From Ghosts
A miser from the Ballybay Rd in Brocagh has committed to being even more of a hateful member of society, despite being visited by three ghosts over the weekend.
Jimmy ‘The Stinge’ Robinson, who once sued a child for kicking a ball into his tulips, was adamant that the visits from the three ghosts have confirmed he’s been right all along:
“The first two ghosts toul me nothing I already knew. The boy from the future showed me my funeral. No one turned up apart from the bin man and the neighbour’s wife who I’d a fling with outside the Glenavon in ’88. So I thought, the rest of them can go to hell. If they’re not going to my funeral anyway, I’m going to make their lives a misery from now on. Pure shower, the lot of them.”
Robinson ended the interview by running towards a group of children playing football and booting the ball into the Lough and giving them the middle finger as he ran off.
Young Trillick Lad Who Claims His Snowman Came To Life Is Told To Catch Himself On
Eight-year-old James Gallagher from the Galbally Road in Trillick has been told to give his head a wobble after he claimed his snowman he built came to life overnight and flew him to Iceland, as well as going for a spin with him on a scrambler through the forest near Ballinamallard.
Gallagher, who built the snowman last night after a freak snow shower in the area during Storm Darragh, maintains that the snowman melted overnight and all that was left was a carrot which he now cherishes.
Local businessman Lorcan Donnelly retorted:
“That lad would need to catch himself on. He says they flew to Iceland and all and played about with other snowmen. Sure there is only one flight to Iceland from here and it’s on a Tuesday. He’s a wee liar. The skitter also said they raked about on a scrambler up at the forest there and that the snowman started to melt as the motor was too warm. I’ve been on that scrambler and it never heats up. He’s a wee dickhead.”
Gallagher has yet to let the carrot go and is planning to have it embalmed.
Ardboe Parents Mistakenly Leave Son Home Alone Whilst Shopping In Donegal. Son Fights Off GAA Ticket Sellers.
Johnny and Maire McAlister have vowed never to leave their son, Pat, behind again after they forgot to take him Christmas shopping in Bundoran yesterday. It has since emerged that Pat (8) managed to turn away over 20 GAA clubs selling tickets through ingenious methods including giving them the middle finger through the curtain as they approached.
Despite being the only child, Johnny and Marie admitted they were caught up in the excitement of heading to Donegal and forgot to take Pat. It was only when they hit Lifford that they realised they’d left Pat behind, but went on shopping anyway as they’d gone that far.
“Aye it was a bit of a handling. We thought about turning back but we’d already booked a dinner in Ballybofey so there was no point in heading back. Looking back, we probably shouldn’t have stayed overnight. But fair play to Pat. He turned away ticket sellers from Ballinderry, Swatragh, Ballinascreen, Derrytresk and Killyman. He became a man overnight. But it was a stupid mistake, like.”
Pat McAllister claimed that although he’d fallen out with his mother the previous night over an argument about eels, he didn’t really like being left alone for 24 hours but enjoyed giving the Swatragh ones the fingers and telling them to shove their tickets.
The BBC are keen to make a documentary on the ordeal, called ‘Away Together’.
Clonoe O’Rahilly’s Launch Audacious Bid To Host Euro 2028 Games With New Stand
The DUP has reacted furiously to the possibility that a match between Germany and France may be played in the heartland of East Tyrone at a ground commemorating Michael Joseph O’Rahilly. It is also believed that Casement Park officials are also irked at the development.
Clonoe GAC, who this week launched plans for a new 600-seater stadium, claim that the new building, coupled with loads of benches from local schools as well as a pile of ladders reaching to the roof of the clubrooms, could see the ground host games such as Latvia v Moldova or Wales v Montenegro.
Club spokesman Henry ‘the milkman’ McCann explained:
“‘Think big’ McCabe told us. So we’ve an entourage of Mansells, Corrs, Devlins, Taggarts and Campbells heading to Switzerland on Friday to pitch a bid for the Euros. We’ve also contacted the the agents of Britney Spears, Barry Manilow and Gary Barlow to see if they’d be interested in doing a concert here. Next year we will make Elon Musk an offer to launch a rocket on Lough Neagh that can be watched from the new stand.”
The DUP are said to be furious at the possibility that O’Rahilly will be celebrated across the planet.
“We’d rather Casement. At least he was called Roger”
claimed a farmer from Magherafelt.
A Casement Social Club drinker said their eyes were being wiped by Clonoe.
Tyrone Tribulations 