Monthly Archives: September 2025
Errigal Ciaran Deny Making Senior Players Wear Fake Moustaches and Wigs For Thirds Team Championship Game
Rumours that Peter Harte and Joe Oguz wore highly convincing wigs, whilst the Canavan brothers painted big moustaches on their faces, have been denied by the club after their Thirds overturned Derrytresk in the Junior Championship, despite a 26-point loss to the same opposition earlier in the year in the league.
Spectators at the game became suspicious after a player with a blonde mullet, who bore a striking resemblance to Peter Harte, scored a point with the outside of his foot, only to be congratulated with shouts of ‘Well done Petey’ from his club supporters. Errigal mentors were quick to correct the crowd by shouting ‘that’s not Petey, that’s his cousin Peader’ to their own fans, who were now smirking.
Tyrone GAA spokesman Leo McGinley maintains Errigal did not break the rules:
“Listen, Derrytresk only bate Errigal earlier in the year by 26 points because the Hill ones used one of their clubmen as an umpire. And besides, if the Ballygawley ones want to pull a few of their seniors into the thirds to win the coveted Junior title, fair frigs to them. It’s not easy playing in fancy dress.”
Darragh Canavan was spotted wearing a face mask on Monday morning, but denied it was because he couldn’t get the permanent marker off.
Fish Supper In Cookstown Reaches £42. Credit Union Sees Rise In Loans.
The Cookstown Credit Union has urged chip shop owners to lower the price of a fish supper after it saw a rise in loans for Friday fast-food family meals.
One of Cookstown’s newest outlets, The Cod’s Pollocks, has defended the price rise, citing the cost of the newspapers to put the food into, as well as the price of the small plastic forks.
Shop owner Nemo Fisher fumed:
“People need to wise up and quit moaning about it. Sure everything is going up. I bought a tin of Lilt and a Marathon last week in a shop in Pomeroy and it gave me 50p change from a fiver. People don’t realise the cost of things. Sure the Guardian newspaper is nearly £5 on a Saturday and that’s our favourite newspaper for cods.”
Cookstown man Ray Haddock revealed he had to take on a part-time job this week in the evenings to pay for a rake of fish suppers he bought at the weekend for his son’s 7th birthday.
Croke Park To Weigh Fans Before Admittance To Big Games
Croke Park has purchased over 400 scales in a bid to curb heavier supporters taking up too much room at All-Ireland semi-finals and finals. They have also asked Ticketmaster to add a tab to their app, which will make buyers declare their weight before purchasing a ticket, in stones and pounds.
Early trials suggest that people with a BMI of over 30 will be charged £10 more than the asking price and will be told to stand in Hill 16.
This morning, we travelled around the county and asked for views on the subject:
“That’s me on the diet now. I’ve a good feeling we’ll do well next year and I don’t have the legs for standing on Hill 16” RONAN MCSHELVY (COALISLAND)
“It’s a disgrace. Sure half them people that run the GAA are a quare size themselves.” PETER MORAN (TRILLICK)
“I’m furious. Not at Croke Park. The people. Fat bastards are ruining everything for everyone.” TOM DAVIDSON (BROCAGH)
“I’m a big girl myself and don’t mind standing on the Hill.” ELIZE MADONNA KELLEGHER (CASTLEDERG)
Meanwhile, Croke Park has also announced it will be limiting burger quotas to just one burger per family until the above issue has settled.
Unionists Lodge Complaint Against Colour Of Lough Neagh Algae
Insiders claim that a complaint by the Combined Unionist Collegiate is about to be lodged with the Department of Environment, complaining about the greenness of the Lough Neagh algae, proposing that it is injected with colouring to make it a bit more orange or even red and blue.
The algae, whose damaging presence has saddened many due to years of neglect by authorities, has become much greener this year, making it a real eyesore for unionists around the shore. Many have upped sticks and left for more inland areas, such as Ballymena and Moygashel, where the water is much less green.
Billy McIdle, leader of the Unionist Collegiate, fumed:
“Sinn Fein and the SDLP have allowed this to happen to wind us up. I was up in a helicopter last week carting pallets from Fivemiletown to Antrim and it was like a permanent St Patrick’s Day. It’s not on. There’s no reason why we can’t inject the algae with red and blue and make it a more equitable lough. Sure what harm can it do?”
Meanwhile, an eel-whisperer claims an eel told him they mightn’t bother heading to the Lough next year and might take a detour to Lough Fea near Cookstown to see what it’s like.
Tyrone Tribulations 