• REFUSED TO SWITCH TO ELECTRIC REINDEER
• RUDOLF MADE TO WORK DESPITE 200-YEAR FLU
• RECKLESS CHIMNEY MANOEUVRES

Santa Claus has maintained his innocence after Australian customs intercepted his crossing of their border, claiming he ignored letters that over 60% of his reindeer should be electric. The North Pole man has also refused to attend a work tribunal initiated by Rudolf’s agent last month, after it emerged that Santa refused to give him a day off since 1825 despite having a 200-year flu and his nose beyond the point of repair.

Additionally, over 50’000 homes across the planet have complained that due to new home fuel-burning laws, chimneys are far smaller whilst Santa has refused to lose weight, creating a catastrophic effect on roof tiles.

Mr Claus, who claimed to be on a tight schedule, fumed:

“I’m sick of all this woke crap about electric reindeer. Sure by the time their excrement has hit the ground, it’s frozen solid. And I’m always telling the deer to let rip over the oceans. This is just people finding something to complain about. I WON’T BE CANCELLED.”

Australian officals are prepared to let Claus on his way if he promises to lose weight by next year by adopting a caveman diet as well as attending a few Parkruns a year.

Meanwhile, Rudolf was finally treated for flu-like symtoms and was given a Lemsip and a packet of Victory Vs. His nose was still glowing.