Category Archives: Killyclogher
Killyclogher Man Has To Spend 5p Yet Again For Carrier Bag In Shop. Goes Berserk.
McNabb. Annoyed.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Police were called yesterday when a man lost his temper in his local supermarket after forgetting to bring his supply of carrier bags with him for the fifth consecutive visit to the shop. Prominent Killyclogher businessman Terence McNabb, 46, arrived at the check-out to discover that he had yet again forgotten to bring his ‘bags for life’ and was told that he would be charged 5 pence for each plastic one.
Check-out assistant Gemma Carson, 18, of Drumquin, said,
“He started off trying to stuff all the shopping into his pockets and down his trousers. How was that ever going to work with a 2-litre bottle of Pepsi and multi-pack of Tayto Spirals? After that he just went off his head. I said I’d have to charge him the 5p carrier bag tax and he started shouting all the bad curses like ‘them environmentalists can go an feck’, and suchlike. It was awful, like watching that fillum with Michael Douglas when he goes mental in the shop with the machine gun. This was just as bad. Well, this man didn’t have a machine gun, but he did have a frozen garlic baguette that he kept waving about in quite a scary way”.
By the time the PSNI arrived McNabb was sitting on the floor suffering from concussion after having head-butted the Thomas the Tank Engine children’s ride. He was forcibly removed from the shop whilst shouting, ‘feck the dolphins’ at the top of his voice, before asking if he could have the coupons for the pyrex dish offer. After examination of CCTV footage he was later charged with threatening a police officer with a box of Tictacs, and criminal damage for having broken Thomas’s funnel.
Supermarket manager Sean Keenan said,
“This bollix has got form. He was in here last year after Kerry bate Tyrone in the GAA, wreckin’ the Kerrygold butter display. Loony. He won’t be welcome back. Well, not until he’s paid over the 5 pence. Every penny counts”.
Killyclogher Man Shocked To Discover Wife Is Customs Officer
Deirdre in casual gear
Killyclogher plasterer, Leo McCracken, was today said to be reeling from the revelation that his wife of eight years has actually been a customs officer gathering information on his illegal distillery around the back of their house. ‘Deirdre McCracken’ (real name Constable Geraldine Gilbride) came clean over dinner this evening after feeling she’d collated enough evidence to send her ‘husband’ down for at least three years. Leo was inconsolable:
“Holy mother and the donkey. I’d dumbfounded. I’m trying to recall some clues but nothing comes to mind. She even stirred the brew and took part in lethal sessions we had in the shed whilst tasting the stuff. I can even remember her gulping down the plum poitin on a Saturday recently whilst doing some kind of mad Irish dancing on a milk crate. We courted for three years and are married eight. That’s an eleven-year undercover operation. We have four children for buck sake. She’s some operator, I’ll give her that.”
The HM and Revenue spokesman tonight admitted that in 2000 they decided to for once and for all bust the lucrative Killyclogher illegal alcohol business by making a female officer woo and court a suspect. Chief Superintendent McCrystal told us:
“Fair play to Constable Gilbride. An eight year marriage and bearing four children shows dedication to the job. She decided to come clean after Leo suggested dressing up as Wombles to spice things up a bit in the marriage. That’s the end of Leo and his 450 gallon a year production. To be fair to him too, it was great stuff and part of me will miss it.”
Leo maintains he has learned his lesson and hopes ‘Deirdre’ will visit him and the kids the odd time:
“Ah we had some great times. When I think about it now though, I should’ve noticed she was a cop. She would say ‘hello, hello, hello’ first thing in the morning and would leave notes for me under the wiper on the windscreen of my car. She also drove a Land Rover with flashing lights”
Clamp Down On Drinking Nuns Hits Killyclogher Pub Hard
Nuns up for the craic
Following the news that people dressed as nuns were caught drinking after-hours in Listowel last July, Killyclogher pub-owner Jessie McGinn claims the fallout and subsequent tightening of nun drinking may force him to close the bar soon due to loss of revenue. Although the Kerry contingent were not real nuns but dressed in the garb for a charity idea, the nuns drinking in Killyclogher are bona-fide members of the Sisters of the Holy Hedge from Donemana who have traditionally used McGinn’s for a ‘good oul blow-out’ at the weekends and sometimes during the week. Sister Cecilia has no doubt that the Kerry escapade has impacted on their libation habits:
“I know it was for charity and I suppose that’s a good thing, but them lads in Listowel have given the powers that be here to clamp down on our running about and general galavanting. To be brutally honest, we’re totally pissed off. For years we’ve been heading down to McGinn’s on a Friday and drinking the bit out til Sunday at least. Sister Concepta is deadly on the Karaoke, singing stuff by Kurt Cobain or ACDC. The lads here think we’re great craic and a wee bit of innocent flirting with nuns of all ages is the only excitement they get down here. It was a win-win situation for everyone but now that’s all changed because of them winos down in Kerry. This weekend we had to sit in and watch The Late Late Show, supping on Ribena. Eff me pink like.”
Jessie McGinn says last weekend’s profits took a serious downtown, coupled with the general pessimistic mood of the lads who were missing the women and their flying habits and the woman who sings ‘Whole Lotta Rosie’.
“I’ll give it another week and if I don’t see an upturn in takings then big decisions need to be made. There is a group of women from the Drumragh Book Club and we’ll be trying to entice them down here for a feed of drink but it’s hard to see them being the same craic as the Holy Hedge girls.”
The Sisters of the Holy Hedge was founded in 1967 when someone spotted a hedge that looked a bit like Pope Urban VIII on the Gortin Road.
Lance Armstrong Tells Oprah Carrickmore’s Dominance To Blame, Off Camera
Carrickmore during friendly
Lance Armstrong, the multi Tour de France champion and confessed drug cheat, told Oprah Winfrey during one of the breaks on her show that his main reason for throwing all sorts of dope into his blood stream was to dull the pain of seeing Carrickmore winning a rake of O’Neill Cups since 1995. A self-confessed Killyclogher fan, Armstrong admitted that he only stumbled across the athletic boost the drugs gave him after going out for a ride soon after the Carmen beat Moortown in the 1995 final. A secret camera caught the following conversation whilst the two American heavyweights tore into a pot of tea and digestive biscuits:
“Ah Oprah, it was some handlin. All I wanted to do was to kill the abject depression I was feeling when the news would filter through that Carrickmore had lifted another county title. And this was the pre-Block Gormley days even. I used to down a bottle of Powers but soon hit the harder stuff like EPO and blood transfusions – anything to take my mind off them hoors celebrating well into the night thinking they were deadly, like. It was only when I went out for a spin on the Grifter that I experienced the advantage that stuff gave me. When they beat Killyclogher in the ’99 final I bucked the whole lot into me and hey presto, the Tour de France was a doddle. It was a double-edged sword, Winfrey.”
Killyclogher’s defeat of Errigal in ’03 saw a dip in Armstrong’s form and he soon announced his retirement from professional cycling due to the lack of need for the dope. A double for the Carmen in ’04 and ’05 changed everything.
“Just when I thought I’d gotten away with it all and Killyclogher were top dogs, didn’t St Colmcille’s lift the next two. That set me back and I was transfusing anything that was humanly possible. Even shite. I was off the wagon big time and hence lifted another two Tours. Only for that double I’d never have been caught. That wee Brian Gormley bollocks has brought me here, Oprah.”
Winfrey seemed uninterested and just told him he should never underestimate the Carmen and that she was a bit of a Trillick woman herself.
Killyclogher Man Destroys Supermarket Butter Section, Arrested
A prominent Killyclogher businessman was arrested late last night after rampaging through his local supermarket, at one stage attempting to urinate on particular brands of butter. In an apparent revenge mission for Kerry’s defeat of Tyrone a couple of months earlier, Terence McNabb (45) singled out Kerrymaid, Kerrygold and Kerry Low Low Cheese for particular abuse. An elderly shopper witnessed the vicious attack:
I was browsing through the toilet roll section when I heard a man screaming bad things from another aisle. I looked over to see what the commotion was about and there was a middle-aged man with a Tyrone GAA jersey on him and he was scooping out the butter from various tubs and rubbing it over his face, body, walls and floor. He was shouting things like ‘take that yiz Kerry Nazi hoors’ and ‘you’ll be getting no sales here’ and sort of laughing manically.
Butter Before Attack
Supermarket security arrived just in time as McNabb was unbuttoning his trousers in preparation for urinating on the now-empty butter containers. After an initial struggle, the business hotshot, who had been drinking all weekend whilst watching reruns of the fateful game in Killarney, was escorted off the premises as he shouted abuse at the workers, telling them they were ‘no Tyrone people at all stocking that effin shite’.
The PSNI arrested McNabb for what a spokesman called ‘the last straw’. It emerged that McNabb had earlier sent abusive twitter messages to Kerry Katona, Jim Carey and Paul Galvin before running at, and kicking into the air, a neighbour’s Kerry Blue terrier.
Terence McNabb awaits trial.
Tyrone Tribulations 