Category Archives: Killyman
Brocagh Brothers Mortified As Mother Sends Them To School In Skirts
Artist’s impression
Brocagh twins, Peter and Paul Ward, were this afternoon said to be in hiding after their mother ‘got a bit mixed up’ and sent her first-year sons to St Patrick’s Academy in Dungannon in school skirts and blouses. Frances Ward maintains she got confused due to the fact that their three older sisters also went to the same school and that she was not trying to save money on uniforms in the hope that no one would notice.
“Ah come on, I’m not that stingy. It was a very understandable mistake. I was used to the girls getting ready for the bus and simply threw the hand-me-downs to the twins. I did think something was wrong but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. They’re quiet lads so they didn’t complain. I’m told the Carnan ones on the bus gave them deadly abuse.”
Reports from the school suggest they were immediately put in detention for “Brazen Tomfoolery”, breaking the previous record of 3 hours for a first year in the school, a record held by a boy from Killyman who fired a tin whistle in bad temper at the principal in 1981. The Wards’ detentions were rescinded after the truth was revealed.
Frances Ward’s neighbour, Packie Quinn, disagrees that it was an honest mistake:
“That woman is the most miserly living being in Brocagh. I know rightly she didn’t want to fork out for a new set of uniforms and so thought no one would bat an eyelid. Them poor lads are mortified. Bad enough the uniform but why did she plait the longer haired boy? She was up to her work.”
In other educational news, Tyrone schools are considering bringing back slapping for ‘acting the lig’ or ‘slabbering about their holidays’.
Council to Remove ‘Kill’ From All Tyrone Place Names. ‘Doesn’t Sound Nice’.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
East Tyrone Council last night confirmed that it intends to phase out ‘Kill’ or ‘Kil’ prefixes or suffixes to all place names in Tyrone over the next 12 months, and replace them with ‘something nicer’.
Over-excited councillor Paddy Donnelly explained the thinking behind the idea.
“Places starting with ‘Kill’ is a hangover from the times when people were cuttin’ the lining out of each other during the times of the pollan fish riots and such like. We’re more civilised now. It’s time to move on”.
Pointing out the fact to Donnelly that ‘kill’ is a derivative of the Irish ‘cil’, meaning ‘church’, was met with scepticism.
“What? Don’t take me for a mug. What’s churches got to do with killing each other, except when it comes to getting out the car park after mass on a Sunday? ‘Kill’ frightens young children and old people, plain and simple. I’ve seen pensioners quaking in their shoes walking into Killyman. And what about people’s human rights? They might get all intimidated and start thinking of killing and death and stuff. We’d get the blame if someone suddenly went mental with a big stick in Kildress and slaughtered pets. Or should I say, ‘Quaredress’.
Under the proposal, all place names that start with ‘Kill’ or ‘Kil’ are to be replaced with nicer, more tourist-friendly words. From 1st January 2014 ‘Killeeshil’ is changed to ‘Lovely-leeshil’ and ‘Killyclogher’ becomes ‘Prettyclogher’.
“Think it through”, insisted Donnelly. “Tourists will love coming into Kissyman. We’ll be fightin’ off Americans off with a stick. It sounds deadly. So does Drumnacuddly. If them ones in Derry can mess about with all their ‘London Stroke Derry’ stuff, we can do the same. It’s a winner”.
The initiative coincides with a re-vamp of the Tyrone Tourist Board advertising campaign. The previous slogan which has been used since 1987, ‘County Tyrone: For All Your Bog Requirements’ will be replaced in 2014 with the more welcoming, ‘Come To Tyrone. You’ll Never Get Better’.
Killyman Man Laments Loss of ‘Good Old-Fashioned Prejudice’ During Visit To London
A thing of the past?
A man returning from a holiday in London is thinking about complaining to the Lord Mayor’s office after having been treated with courtesy and friendliness throughout the visit.
63 year old Patrick Dunn from Killyman worked in Cricklewood in the 1970s as a bricklayer and labourer, and expected a very different type of reception from the one he received when he went for a month’s holiday in May to visit some of his old haunts in north west London.
“Thon feckers couldn’t have been nicer”, complained Dunn. “What’s that all about? I remember the times when the Irish were treated as proper outcasts. I was fully expecting some old-fashioned discrimination so that I could go into O’Donnell’s Bar in Kilburn and moan about it. I couldn’t, could I? Everyone was lovely. And also because they’ve turned it into a delicatessen”.
In an effort to experience more traditional discrimination, Dunn met up with a West Indian friend of his and after finding a stray collie dog went to look for bed and breakfast accommodation, expecting to be given his marching orders very quickly.
“Jaysus, did the first door we knock on not offer us 50% off for 3 nights and that the dog would be most welcome”, said a disappointed Dunn. “What’s the world coming to? They were so lovely I ended up staying for a week. Evil hoors. They were even calling me ‘Mister Dunn’. Mister Dunn? I thought they were takin’ the haun out of me, but then they said they they didn’t want to call me Paddy for fear of offending me. And Paddy’s my bloody name. What about my rights? Where’s all the old-fashioned intolerance, eh? I was even getting offers of work without so much as asking for it. I’m a brickie by trade. I build walls. But I got offered full-time work as a plumber, a vet, a systems analyst, and a Boeing 747 pilot. I couldn’t believe it. What’s the world coming to? It was a nightmare. Especially the jet lag after flying jumbos all day”.
“I don’t know. They bloody love the Irish over there”, lamented Dunn. “I won’t be going back”.
Killyman Pharmacist Allowed Local Gossiper Read Prescription Book For A Kiss
Gilroy new what belong to whom
Dungannon court yesterday heard how aged Killyman Pharmacist, Mal Le Chien, allowed a local serial gossiper read the prescription book every day in exchange for a kiss on the cheek. The accusation was heard after the woman in question, Mary Gilroy, decided to ‘land him in the s**t’ after he allowed one of his hands to wander during the daily peck on his choppers. A packed courthouse heard how Le Chien fed Gilroy’s love of chit-chat by offering her his indecent proposal:
“I’d been coming in to the chemist for tablets to ease my woman’s problems and had built up a customer relationship with Mal. After a few weeks, and knowing of my penchant for tittle-tattle, he said he’d let me see his prescription book for everyone in the Killyman area as long as I planted the lips on him once a day. It was too good to turn down. Ha! – the things I saw. Finally, I understood my Mrs Donnelly had that oul sour bake on her. She’s a chronic migraine sufferer. Still didn’t stop me roaring at her in the morning even harder. Gary Taggert was taking viagra and him with no woman at all. Made no sense to me but at least I knew how to behave around him. Drove him mad I did with the low tops and winks. Fr Jackson’s itchy arse was causing him some bother going by the ass-cream he was picking up fortnightly. That fairly affected my communion-going habits. I had a head start on everyone.”
The agreement came to an end when Le Chien attempted to take things to the next level and laid a hand on her hip during the kiss.
“Typical man. He thought I was turning up to see him. Only for the free gossip I’d never be seen near than oul whack. One day he dropped the hand on me. Well, that was that. Everyone knows I’m a hateful warbler in these parts so I had nothing to lose. This oul pervert needed to be exposed. Sure he himself takes five aspirin every morning cos he’s on a bottle of brandy a day.”
The case continues tomorrow when Le Chien takes to the stand to explain how the amount of hypochondriacs in Killyman drove him to drink.
Killyman Postman Fails To Deliver Letter Correctly For 77th Time
Popular Killyman postman, Nat McVeigh, was tonight considering tendering his resignation to Royal Mail after failing to deliver the same letter to the correct address for the 77th time earlier today. The letter, believed to be a Littlewoods catalogue bill, has been processed so many times now as “Return To Sender” that the address is almost impossible to make out now.
“It’s like some kind of mental block and it’s destroying me. I deliver the letter and two days later it’s back in my sack again having been recycled through the whole system. My wife says I’m a hateful balax at the best of times but my constant dark mood is making life unbearable at home for everyone. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve sent the cat soaring through the Killyman air at 6pm as I walk though my gate.”
Postman McVeigh on a typical Killyman day
The address which just states ‘Mrs McVeigh, Laghey Road’ happens to be the same road the experienced postman lives on, alongside four other houses all owned by unrelated McVeighs. Killyman is a quiet hamlet and sometimes the mysterious letter is the only mail to be delivered throughout the week.
“I just cannot fathom it. I’m sure I’ve delivered it to each of the other houses at least four times each. Mattie McVeigh at number 3 is getting pretty angry. He warned me that if I deliver it again he’ll blow my brains out. It’s a treacherous job now. I joked with the wife yesterday that maybe it’s our bill. She laughed at me, dressed in a new silk petticoat and diamond slippers, and said we couldn’t be affording Littlewoods stuff before running off to do something important.”
McVeigh will attempt his 78th delivery tomorrow with a special mass celebrated that morning for his intentions.
Tyrone Tribulations 