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Toilet Rolls Sell Out In Gortin Area Before Arrival Of Storm Eowyn. ‘Use Ferns’ Advises Government.
The government has uploaded videos of how to use ferns and brackens to replace the use of toilet rolls, after the big Spar shop in Gortin as well as all the minor shops in the area pleaded for shoppers to stop asking for workers to search for toilet rolls ‘around the back’ as locals fear the worst before the arrival of storm Eowyn.
Andrex, Velvet and Nicky have also confirmed that they will not be shipping extra toilet rolls to the Gortin area as there is already a big demand in other areas such as Cookstown, Dungannon, Strabane and Omagh.
Gortin shopper, Liam Coyle, fumed:
“If the ministers think I’m heading into the Gortin Glens to clean my hole in broad daylight with a few ferns, they’ve another thing coming. I’m 76 and have a bit of dignity. They need to dip into the reserves around Stormont and give us what we need before this storm arrives. With the amount of shite they spew up there, I’m sure there’s a plethora of bog roll hidden on the hill.”
When asked why people were stocking up on toilet rolls before a gale, Coyle said it was in case the electricity goes out.
Gortin Announce Radical Discipline Measures For Misbehaving Children
Typical Gortin youngster
The Gortin Pensioners’ Society (GPS) today declared that children nowadays ‘don’t know they’re born’ and recommended that parents adopt a zero tolerance approach to discipline starting tonight at bath time. The 6 month-long study, which included questionnaires and spying through windows, concluded that if things didn’t change then we’d be left with ‘a generation of lazy shites’. GPS chairman Liam Coyle told us:
“I have a grandson of my own and he’s 14. As part of my research, I gave him a broom last week to sweep out the yard. Minutes later I caught him googling ‘how to work a broom’ on his phone. When I was 14 I was out setting ramparts alight, siphoning diesel between motors, holding my grandfather up for him to do his toilet business, reading Latin epics, dancing the Waves of Tory in the garden with my aunties, gathering hay to throw over our beds at night and betting on or participating in organised bare knuckle fighting with cousins – all in one evening. These children don’t know they’re born, whatever that means.”
The study recommended that new measures are to be activated tonight with all Gortin children under the age of 8 to be bathed in a metal tub with a wire brush and some baking soda. Coyle warned of spontaneous spot checks:
“From Saturday night we will be calling in unannounced on random homes in the greater Gortin area. If we find children sitting in rooms playing iPads, DSs, CDs or Skyping, they’ll be ordered out of the house and given a spade with the instructions of digging a hole until we say stop. We have the full backing of the parents.”
Meanwhile Plumbridge Mayoress Kitty Lyons said they’re monitoring the Gortin situation closely and will act swiftly if results are positive in their neighbouring village.
“We need to grab the bull by the horns. There’s no better feeling than giving a lad a skite around the back of the ears for next to nothing – just sort of to let them know you’re older and stronger.”
Tyrone Tribulations 