Blog Archives
Tyrone Man Fails To Land Top Gear Job After Trial Episode
A Strabane motoring enthusiast, tipped by locals to be as good as Jeremy Clarkson in terms of knowledge of cars, has failed to impress BBC producers following a dry run at presenting the show yesterday.
John O’Connell (44) is said to be fuming at the decision, accusing Top Gear officials of not thinking outside the box when it comes to presentational style. BBC bosses however rejected the criticism and reiterated their belief that the presenter cannot simply say “Jaysus boys thon’s tara” for every car he tries out.
Footage leaked from the pilot show sees O’Connell raking about in a new Audi shouting comments like ‘yeehar‘ and ‘shoe til the burd boys, shoe til the burd‘ before getting out of it, kicking the tyres, and turning to the camera, saying ‘Jaysus boys thon’s tara“. The exact same scenario followed when he tested out a new BMW.
O’Connell defended his style:
“Everyone has a catchphrase. If I’d been given a fair deal, everyone would be saying ‘Jaysus boys thon’s tara’ from the playground to business meetings, after a few episodes. BBC are just playing it safe and that’s disappointingly short-sighted from them.”
BBC also released footage of O’Connell using bleeped-out expletives during crucial scenes. One example showed the Strabane man shouting ‘f**k me boys, that’s deadly‘ after doing a handbrake turn in a Ferrari.
O’Connell maintains he will attempt to keep his presenting dream alive by applying for a job on The Sunday Game on RTE as a cover for Joe Brolly who is reportedly eyeing up the X-Factor role.
Windmill Communications Director Recruited By Local Council
Boyle in his new job
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Dungannon & South Tyrone Council have appointed a man from Windmill into the recently-created post of Communications Director to improve the contact between the Council and the community.
“We needed someone who can clearly articulate some of the initiatives and decisions of the Council, and translate them across the community in a straightforward and coherent way”, said Council spokesperson Marie Hagan. “Someone says the Windmill are straight-talking people, so we’ve appointed Kevin Boyle instead”.
Boyle, who will be based in Omagh, said,
“It’s quare news hi. I’m deadly good with gathering the words and stuff and putting them together, spaking the English with getting it across and the like. And what Tyrone really needs is someone who can be spaking about putting everything down using the opinions and people and all thon. You know like, ghost-oh. Up the Winemill. Fuck it.”
However, Boyle so far has not made a successful start in the role.
“He was told to advise the local press that BMW are possibly going to invest in a multi-million pound parts warehouse in Eglish” said Hagan. “All good positive stuff. But he somehow went and told the papers that the village was getting its own whorehouse, one of the biggest in Europe, creating over 200 jobs. He made a right hames of it. And you should have seen the deluge of job applications we got”.
Boyle is currently tasked with explaining the controversial reasoning behind the recent deferment in the decision to build the Aughnacloy to Derry A5 road extension.
“That’s an easy one”, said Boyle. “The people who bes deciding to do it have stopped going ahead with it so the road’s not got started yet at the minute. Not the road that’s already there because that’s already there and you be on it but the big road they said they were going to build but now they’re not, although they might. It’s the money and everything. And the fields and sheep and stuff. So that’s the situation there”.
Contemplating his tenure so far, Boyle said,
“I do sometimes get a bit mixed up, but I’m determined. It’s all about saying to people and giving the message really in a way that’s clearly speakable so that everybody knows the ideas straight away. I suppose it’s a gift”.
Tyrone Tribulations 