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Plumbers Gear Up For Bigger Sized Brussels Sprouts Carnage. May Charge Time And A Half.
With news emerging that Brussels Sprouts are 25% bigger this season, plumbers across the country are bracing themselves for multiple call-outs around Christmas, with the 26th of December expecting to witness record-breaking toilet-related breakdowns.
The Tyrone Plumbers Union (TPU) has urged its members to charge time and a half for call-outs around the festive period due to the unsavory jobs they’ll need to fulfill because of the size of the Brussels Sprouts.
TPU director, Terry Hanna, explained:
“Farmers have told us that this season’s sprouts are enormous. In some cases, only two sprouts can be physically eaten at the one time and I’ve a bad feeling they’re going to play havoc with the digestive system. Toilets these days are getting smaller when they should be getting bigger. I can only see catastrophe after catastrophe ahead. We’ll make a bomb though. £160 a call-out at least.”
Doctors have urged families to ration the large sprouts as they fear increased bowel-related incidents on Christmas Day. In 1988, a man from Killyclogher managed to block all three toilets in his house before 3pm on Christmas Day.
Belgians Finally Admit Brussels Sprouts Were A Joke
After 500 years of pretending to like them, the Belgian nation have finally admitted that Brussels Sprouts were all a big joke and that they were tired of it now.
The sprouts, whose distinctive taste has been described as something you’d likely to experience if you licked a toilet bowl, have been a staple feature of Irish dinner tables since the early 1900s despite pleas from children not to ruin the day.
Belgian minister Henry Poirot admitted today that enough was enough and that it was time to wise up:
“I think the joke had worn thin at the turn of the century but we let it run what with the recession and all and the need for light relief. But with Brexit on the horizon, we feel it’s time to let you all know that we were only codding. We hate them.”
Over 19 million sprouts were bought in Tyrone just last week with fights breaking out all over the county’s supermarkets with children refusing to accept another year of sprout eating hours after their happiest morning of the year.
Meanwhile, Santas across the county have been accused of forsaking the spirit of Christmas after charging up to £100 a go for children to sit on their lap to get a selection box and a pile of crayons.
West Tyrone Water Shortage Victims Were Beginning To Smell Like Derry Ones
Strabane plumber yesterday
The water crisis in West Tyrone had escalated to the extent that many friends and visitors of those affected were unable to tell the difference between them and Derry people, especially around Castlederg.
As the NI Water industrial action temporarily ends, enabling most homes to return to normal, baths and showers have been running freely again with many people returning unused Lynx and Soft & Gentle Roll-On deodorant to chemists.
During the height of the crisis, with rivers close to an unbearable temperature, many decided to hold out from a full body washing in the hope that the NI Water came to their senses and looked after its customers.
A cousin of one of those affected informed us:
“You’d have thought you were in Feeny or Dungiven or Maghera even. There was a wile smell of Derry off the Castlederg folk and it was quite confusing. It would be like sniffing a clove rock and smelling Brussels sprouts.”
One of those affected, Brian Furey, admitted he almost took home the wrong wife during a shopping expedition in the Spar in Claudy, Co Derry:
“There were a pile of women at the check-out and I normally can indentify my wife due to her neutral odour compared to the Derry women. But because of the water crisis she just blended in. I closed my eyes and luckily grabbed the right one.”
A 44-year old father of three in Strabane is still refusing to wash, claiming he is taking part in an experiment after he read somewhere in the Readers’ Digest in the 1980s that the human body cleans itself after three weeks anyway.
Tyrone Tribulations 