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Tyrone Woman’s Vegetable-Patch ‘Cider Trap’ Catches Husband But No Snails
After receiving advice on how to deal with the decimation of her tomatoes this summer, a Cookstown woman has stumbled upon the unlikely source of her problem by setting up cider traps at night.
Convinced that slugs and snails were devouring her legendary vegetables, a local gardening expert advised Mary McNally to trap the shelled gastropods by using small doses of cider inside bottle tops. It was only when she heard a rustling outside one night that she caught the culprit:
“It was the husband all along. He’d put the gardener up to saying to me about the cider so he could go out and get sloshed in the garden whilst I slept. I looked out one night and there he was, off his head drinking the cider from the bottle tops, singing rebel songs, and, to top it all off, eating the snails himself as well as the tomatoes.”
John McNally admitted to the cider/snail/tomato consumption when caught red-handed and has since added SatNav to his phone so that his wife knows where he is at any given time of the night.
NcNally also denies any wrongdoing in the poor carrot crop this year in his garden despite his wife, suspiciously now, again being told by the same expert gardener to leave beer and dirty magazines beside the carrots to ward off bats and badgers.
Number of Tyrone Pallet Seller Millionaires At All Time High
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Shrewd Benburb millionaire
Recent research shows that there are now close to 10,000 people in Tyrone who have become millionaires from selling pallets.
The data, produced by the Research Institute of Northern Ireland, confirms that every single person in Tyrone now knows at least one person who knows someone who has made a fortune selling pallets.
This however is contradicted by the 2011 census returns. Those who confirmed their occupation as working in the pallet sector usually had other jobs which appeared to be relatively menial and low paid, including tree watcher, banana straightener, and bed tester, clearly inconsistent with a millionaire pallet tycoon.
Anecdotal evidence however suggests that there is indeed an abundance of people who know people who know someone who has somehow managed to create a personal fortune from selling pallets.
“Aye, it’s a mystery”, said local Omagh economist Seamus Ramirez. “All these millionaires and yet none of them seem to be spending any of their hard-earned pallet money in the county. I can’t understand it. I’ve yet to find one of these pallet magnates”.
Benburb man Kevin Brady however countered this.
“Oh aye. My granda knows a fella who knows a boy who drinks in the McGovern Arms in Benburb. John Joe. Quiet guy, sits in the corner. Not much to look at. But my granda says he’s made a fortune selling pallets, so he has”.
Further investigation at the Benburb hostelry did indeed contain a man in his late 60’s, sitting in the corner and answering to the name of John Joe. The alleged millionaire, who was clearly in the advanced stages of inebriation, said,
“Eh. What? What parrots? I’ve not been selling no parrots. Not this week anyway. Are you from the Social? There’s no money to be made in carrots. Unless you’re a rabbit. Are you selling rabbits? I used to have a parrot. Are you two twins?”
Despite the other occupants in the bar confirming that the man seemed to spend all day every day in the same seat in the same bar, they also confirmed in a conspiratorial whisper that he had indeed made a fortune selling pallets but that he “didn’t like to go splashing it about”.
Tyrone Tribulations 