Blog Archives
Plumbers Gear Up For Bigger Sized Brussels Sprouts Carnage. May Charge Time And A Half.
With news emerging that Brussels Sprouts are 25% bigger this season, plumbers across the country are bracing themselves for multiple call-outs around Christmas, with the 26th of December expecting to witness record-breaking toilet-related breakdowns.
The Tyrone Plumbers Union (TPU) has urged its members to charge time and a half for call-outs around the festive period due to the unsavory jobs they’ll need to fulfill because of the size of the Brussels Sprouts.
TPU director, Terry Hanna, explained:
“Farmers have told us that this season’s sprouts are enormous. In some cases, only two sprouts can be physically eaten at the one time and I’ve a bad feeling they’re going to play havoc with the digestive system. Toilets these days are getting smaller when they should be getting bigger. I can only see catastrophe after catastrophe ahead. We’ll make a bomb though. £160 a call-out at least.”
Doctors have urged families to ration the large sprouts as they fear increased bowel-related incidents on Christmas Day. In 1988, a man from Killyclogher managed to block all three toilets in his house before 3pm on Christmas Day.
New Local Bye Law Will Allow Everyone To ‘Kick Someone In The Arse’ Once A Year
A controversial new law proposed by a local Tyrone councillor, will permit everyone in the County to legally kick just one person in the posterior, as hard as they like, once a year.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
“There’s lots of aggression out there and this is a quare way to deal with it”, explained Dungannon & South Tyrone Councillor Enda McMann. “Once a year on one particular day, everyone can have a really good swing at someone who’s spent the previous twelve months being a right pain in the hole. This is a local bye-law so only applies to people born or living in Tyrone. However, I say it’s about time this County started making some people honorary citizens, especially ones from neighbouring counties. Say Joe Brolly, just by way of an example like. I’ve always admired that man”.
He went on,
“We actually used to do this in the olden days but it’s a tradition that’s died out. It was punching rather than kicking though. Why do you think it was called Boxing Day? Jays, a day with the relatives on Christmas Day and it’s not surprising everyone was ready to lamp someone in the bake. That’s why we’ve got to get back to some good old-fashioned family values, except it’s going to kicking, not punching. We’re not savages”.
Instructions to be issued by Council
McMann went to describe his idea further.
“There would have to be some exceptions, obviously. We’d have to put in some age restrictions, maybe excuse people over 80. And we’d have to remove some easy targets like traffic wardens, or anyone who didn’t vote for Andrea on The Voice. And I suppose there would have to be some rules, like a limit on the runny-up, and whether you could wear a big pair of steel toe-caps. But the idea’s sound. We should do more of this stuff. Really”.
Support for the idea appeared to be growing in strength, with an on-line petition on Facebook already advocating that everyone, if the proposal is made law, to save all their boots up the arse for McMann.
Tyrone Tribulations 