PSNI tightening up

The PSNI have released a statement warning Tyrone people to stop using ‘silly excuses’ for all types of misdemeanours. The move comes after the much-publicised court case where Simon Begley from Moortown got off using his phone whilst driving his Davy Brown by claiming it was actually a shell and he was listening to the sea. No shell was found in his tractor to which Begley replied “sure I f**ked it into the field because I could hear none with the police siren behind me”.

The statement listed the top 5 excuses:

• (speeding) I wasn’t speeding. My new haircut makes me look fast (POMEROY)
• (TV licence) That thing in the corner? I thought it was a lamp (CLADY)
• (littering) Oh, when it said ‘fine for littering’ I thought it meant it was ok (COOKSTOWN)
• (speeding) I was going 100mph because i’ve new brake pads in and I don’t want to wear them down (BROCAGH)
• (red light jump) My wife ran off with a cop from Cappagh and when I saw your motor behind me I was afeard he was bringing her back (KILDRESS)

PSNI spokesman Constable Turntable added:

“Do they think we’re stupid? We’re not falling for that any more. Just last week we uncovered a poitin distillery in Derrytresk. When apprehended, the man said ‘poitin? Catch yerself on. This is just an elaborate tea-making factory. Would you like a fig roll?’ We let him off but that’s the last time.”

Serial law-breaker Jonny Kelly from Ballygawley maintains the PSNI are just blowing hot air:

“Aye, dead on PSNI. Sure last night a cop caught me piddlin in the middle of the roundabout at 2am. I just said I was ‘a bit mad’ and he let me go. They’re tarra afraid of wrongful arrests.”

Kelly has since been lifted for using tin foil for break lights on his Micra.