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Family At War Over Facebook Likes
James
A Newtownstewart family were said to be permanently divided after a Facebook comment about someone’s transfer test result descended into threats and people unliking comments. The innocuous status update “So proud of my wee son getting an A” posted by Hillary McConnell at 12:02pm accumulated 23 likes by 2:20pm from friends and family, with one neighbour commenting “well done James“.
Things began cutting up rough when Hillary noticed a status update by her brother on his wall about Man Utd. After apparently joking “why did you not like my status update about your nephew lol“, Hillary suffered the wrath of her brother Paddy and some of his family on her wall. Comments such as “why don’t ye tell us what ye had for breakfast“, “quit braggin and blowin” and “couldn’t be your child then ye idiot” sparked a series of comments, likes and unlikes from nearly everyone in the village.
Mary Norman fears for the area’s future:
“Some nasty things were said. Altogether 9000 people commented on that transfer test update with ancient family grudges stretching back 400 years brought up. It seems like Newtownstewart was a simmering volcano all this time and that one comment appears to have caused the eruption. Some handlin.”
This morning showed no signs of a peaceful resolution with a series of mock status updates by Paddy and his friends such as “My son tied his laces there now. So proud xxxx” being met with supporters of Hillary posting pictures of their online rivals with bad words written on them, or offers of ‘a slappin session outside Costcutters’.
PP Fr Deeny has called for a complete cessation of online displays of real or fake pride in their children until ‘everyone has a titter of wit’.
Recently Discovered Volcano Under Pomeroy Met With Indifference By Locals
Artist’s impression of post-eruption Pomeroy
SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
News emerged yesterday of an active volcano sitting underneath the village of Pomeroy which could erupt at any moment, endangering the lives of thousands.
Pomeroy, Northern Ireland’s highest village, was long-considered to be sitting on the side of what was recently described in the 2013 Irish Journal of Geological Sciences as ‘a fecking big hill’. However, local expert seismologist Dr Kieran Duffy from Ardboe has confirmed that it is indeed actually a volcano which is currently active, and that it could erupt at any time.
“Aye that’s right”, said Duffy. “That volcano’s deadly active boys, and it could erupt at any time. Ghost oh”.
If the volcano does erupt, it is anticipated it could send out an estimated 100,000 tons of rock and ash up to two miles into the earth’s atmosphere, destroying everything within a 30 mile radius in an apocalyptic event not seen on the planet for over 1,000 years.
“I’ve just put a washing out”, complained Kitty Donnelly of Loughbracken Road. “It’s a damned nuisance. If there’s any soot gets on my smalls there’ll be hell to pay. When’s it supposed to erupt? It’s such a good drying day too. Where’s Barry McElduff’s phone number?”
Meantime, there have been reports of panic-buying of marshmallows from Mace, whilst sales of toasting forks in the area have reached an all time high.
Pomeroy Village Council chairman Danny Devlin, said,
“To be honest, we were a bit relaxed about the whole thing. We thought ‘Volcano’ was the name of a pizza with thon wee spicy green yolks on it, out the Fairhill Diner on main street. Now we’re up to speed, if there’s an eruption we’re determined not to make a hames of it. We’ve put a big bucket of water on the corner of the Diamond, and we’ve already started an appeal for oven gloves in case things get too warm. Maybe we should get a wee bag of sand too to be on the safe side. That should do it”.
The volcano has already been dubbed ‘The Broll-cano’, owing to its potential to erupt without warning and for no discernible reason.
Ardboe locals have also moved to reassure Pomeranians that Dr Duffy is clean mad and wasn’t a real doctor of volcanoes. He also predicted an apocalyptic man-eating eel invasion in 2005.
Tyrone Tribulations 