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Confusion In Ardboe Over Free WiFi Rally. Riot Narrowly Averted.
There was mass confusion over a hastily organised protest over the issue of the poor WiFi signal on the Loughshore this evening.
The general Ardboe district was recently slated in an English newspaper as the worst place in Europe for a WiFi connection, blaming the interference from electric eels which swim perilously close to Lough Neagh’s western shore.
‘Free Wifi’ posters emerged on lamp posts all week, encouraging locals to attend a mass rally outside McGuigan’s pub. Over 5000 made their way to the meeting point, many with banners which seem to point to a bit of confusion surrounding the burning issue. Johnny Farrell, who travelled hundreds of miles from Coalisland, told us:
“Listen, I admit I haven’t read up on this. I don’t know who this WiFi boy is or why he’s being held captive but I’m all on for freedom of speech. I don’t care what he has supposedly done so I say ‘FREE WIFI’ yiz shower of tyrannical bastards. Set WiFi free….”
…before starting a ‘We Shall Overcome‘ singsong and firing a brick at a police car which was monitoring proceedings.
Tensions rose after a BT Telecoms representative turned up and tried to explain the reasons for the lack of free WiFi in the area. Frank Busby was drowned out with chants of ‘WiFi – inside for something he didn’t do‘ and ‘Internment is cat‘ before leaving the podium to choruses of ‘cheerio‘ and ‘who are ya‘.
Organiser Jackie Cullen admitted:
“It’s my fault. I didn’t explain the rally well enough to the people. Let me say it loud and clear now to the people of Ardboe – WiFi is a wireless internet service, not a local lad interned for his political beliefs.’
Cullen was subsequently chased from his own rally with cries of ‘traitor‘ and ‘you’re one of them‘ from the increasing number of protesters.
Seven bonfires were currently alight as over 9000 prepared for a midnight vigil singing ‘Something Inside So Strong’.
Clonoe Man Wrecks Bar Over Wifi Issue
Plunkett J O’Neill
By Pat Muckles
A Clonoe man, who confused the offer of Free Wifi with an invitation to get himself a Thai Bride, has been handed a 3 year suspended sentence at Dungannon Crown Court after causing £10,000 in damages at a local bar.
It is believed that Plunkett J O’Neill, 63, of O’Rahilly Gardens in the townland, entered the shebeen demanding a Thai Bride and when told several times that it’s not something they offered, proceeded to wreck the place, shouting obscenities, smashing glasses and even letting the fire extinguisher off.
Peter Duffy, solicitor for the accused stated:
“It’s a simple case of my client getting the wrong the end of the stick. He said that he was told by a neighbour that he should get up to the bar and get a Free Wife, Hi. Not knowing one iota about computers, he wanted to get up there before they ran out. If anything his fleetness of foot for a man of his age should be commended.”
Conor McNally, who was working at the bar at the time, was left shaken and confused:
“We started giving away free wi-fi in a bid to attract the sort of people that’ll pay £3 for a cup for of Mellow Birds. Next thing you know, Big Plunkett J comes stormin’ in roaring luckin about Thai Brides and Free Wives. He wouldn’t take no for answer and next thing you know there was an ashtray making its way for my head. I had no choice but to call the cops and as luck would have it they were across the road at the chippy.”
Tribulations tried to make contact with Plunkett J for a statement but were told he was away on holiday.
Tyrone Tribulations 