Paganism On The Rise In Galbally
The mysterious arrival of a large batch of broomsticks to the community centre in Galbally has confirmed rumours that paganism is rife in the area and has been since 2006 when the seniors won Division 1B which sparked a free-love session. Speculation that pagan rituals were a weekly occurrence appears to have been close to the mark, upholding Galbally’s dark and murky traditions dating back to the Stone Age. With falling numbers attending the more traditional local places of worship, the rise in paganism explains away many of the unusual sightings of nude ring-a-rosies and the spate of yard-brush thefts in the community in recent years.
“I’m not surprised in the slightest”, farmer Harry Traynor explained. “I be up at the crack of dawn and I be seeing these wemen buck naked circling around a dead crow or the like. Then they’d just run off with a yard-brush between their legs. Not flying like. Just running. I be telling people and they’d be saying I’m going mad. Well, it looks as if I was on the ball. I don’t know much about pagans but I found it easy to get up in the mornings to be greeted by heartily bosomed wemen dancing about at 5am. The church should take note.”
An anonymous Galbally paganist told us that their numbers were touching on a hundred. She gave us an insight into their daily rituals.
“Lucksee, there’s no harm in it. Myself and the girls just get together two or three times a week at midnight, set out to kill some kind of wildlife and then just sacrifice it by either drinking its blood or reciting a poem over its corpse. Last week, Mary gave us a lovely rendition of The Ballad of Reading Gaol over the cold body a dying mink. It felt wholesome. Sometimes, if we don’t catch anything, he just grab some yahoo coming home full from the football club and strip him. He’s usually too far gone to remember and even if he does, he daren’t admit it around here. We haven’t quite mastered the broomsticks yet so we just run a few yards with them as a ceremonial thing.”
The Galbally Historical Society have welcomed the news, stating that it is simply an extension of the rich pagan history in the area dating right back to 40’000 years ago when Galbally was the epicentre for paganism in Europe. The society states that on the 6th day of the moon, Druid priests dressed in white robes would prepare a banquet beneath a tree and bring up to it two white bulls. A priest would then climb the tree and cut down a branch with an oul rusty sickle. The white bulls would be sacrificed while the attendants prayed to a god; the branch was then given to women in a drink which, it was believed, would make any Galbally woman attractive to all men.