Riveting scene from Grimes’ Bond film

A Donaghmore-born director has been put on gardening leave after ‘artistic differences’ during the filming for the new James Bond film, due to be released in 2017.

Kieran ‘Coco’ Grimes has since admitted to not having watched any of the previous Bond films as well as revealing he hasn’t directed a movie since his ill-fated production of his local youth club’s play ‘Reservoir Dogs’ in 2001 which left half the town in upturned and in flames.

Grimes (51) assumed complete control over the new Bond instalment, including making several radical alterations to the script and abandoning the iconic Aston Martin for a white van.

One of the main actors revealed how unworkable the new script was:

“Grimes had been given an unlimited budget and all the biggest stars but he decided to have Bond killed off after 10 minutes from pneumonia. Then the rest of the film was just about the wake, the funeral and then mourners drinking in the pub after the funeral. We had all these A-List actors just standing about getting full in a pub in London. There were a few fights alright between the celebrities but that was just normal drunken stuff. It would have flopped.”

Grimes accepted his fate but fumed at the lack of adventure from the rest of the production staff:

“Bond has been doing all his secret service stuff since the 60s they told me so he’s bound to be frail from all the running and susceptible to colds and flu. I was just trying to be realistic. But people want car chases, gadgets, bare women and baddies. Well they can have them but I’m off to do 50 Shades at the Bardic for the old people’s home Easter gala.”

Production manager Stefan Spellburger confirmed the film’s release date has been postponed a few months after the Grimes debacle, adding that the Donaghmore man’s changes – which also including Bond speaking only in Irish and Miss Moneypenny cast as a loyal German Shepherd – will be reversed. The film’s title, which Grimes had decided would be ‘Thon Boy’s Dead’, would be changed too.