Omagh man cooking for first time in 2016

If weather forecasts are to be believed, Ireland is about to endure a warm spell this week with GPs warning mothers to stock up on rehydration drinks as fathers bring out the barbecues. 

During a 2-day scorcher last year, a doctor’s surgery in Omagh had a 2-mile queue outside with many suffering from severe stomach cramps due to undercooked meat on already-contaminated barbecues. Witnesses say diarrhoea ran through the Main Street like lava from a Chilean volcano for a week.

West Tyrone health advisor Hilary Molloy warned:

“I urge all mothers to watch carefully what their husbands or partners are doing. As soon as he starts hoking through the shed you’re watching the start of a death wish. If you cannot sabotage the cooking session by hiding the matches or suchlike, pre-cook the food yourself before handing it over. There’s a good chance he’ll be tanked up anyway on bottles of Coors and won’t notice.”

Molloy recognised that this was the only occasion in the year when the man of the house feels manly and believes it’s important he’s made to feel useful:

“For the love of God, don’t do the cooking yourself. His sensitivity level will begin to spark and he’ll end up doing other chores like mending wonky cupboards that he initially put up and you don’t want that, believe me. Just have bottles of Lucozade or Irn Bru for the inevitable food poisoning session.”

Early reports suggest over 300 tonnes of sausages and burgers have already been purchased in butchers all over the county this morning as well as 600 units of aprons.

Schools have been urged to have extra medical staff on call for the vomiting bouts as well as for ginger kids having the skin peeled off them.