If weather forecasts are to be believed, Ireland is about to endure a warm spell this week with GPs warning mothers to stock up on rehydration drinks as fathers bring out the barbecues.
During a 2-day scorcher last year, a doctor’s surgery in Omagh had a 2-mile queue outside with many suffering from severe stomach cramps due to undercooked meat on already-contaminated barbecues. Witnesses say diarrhoea ran through the Main Street like lava from a Chilean volcano for a week.
West Tyrone health advisor Hilary Molloy warned:
“I urge all mothers to watch carefully what their husbands or partners are doing. As soon as he starts hoking through the shed you’re watching the start of a death wish. If you cannot sabotage the cooking session by hiding the matches or suchlike, pre-cook the food yourself before handing it over. There’s a good chance he’ll be tanked up anyway on bottles of Coors and won’t notice.”
Molloy recognised that this was the only occasion in the year when the man of the house feels manly and believes it’s important he’s made to feel useful:
“For the love of God, don’t do the cooking yourself. His sensitivity level will begin to spark and he’ll end up doing other chores like mending wonky cupboards that he initially put up and you don’t want that, believe me. Just have bottles of Lucozade or Irn Bru for the inevitable food poisoning session.”
Early reports suggest over 300 tonnes of sausages and burgers have already been purchased in butchers all over the county this morning as well as 600 units of aprons.
Schools have been urged to have extra medical staff on call for the vomiting bouts as well as for ginger kids having the skin peeled off them.
Thousands of women across the county are preparing for the worst as the warm weather looks set to continue into the weekend. As husbands in their droves drag barbecues out from behind the shed and start scraping the rust off, wives and partners are abruptly turning vegetarian overnight, sending children off to relatives, and frantically keying ‘999’ into the speed dial on their phones.
“I’ve scarce got over last year to be honest” said one woman from Urney. “It was the one warm day of June and I was looking forward to a nice quiet day in the garden but my man insisted on having a barbecue and cooking the whole lot himself. Jaysus, I was hoping to get a nice tan, and I ended up with the most tara scitter for the rest of the week. I couldn’t get the taste of rust out of my mouth for days”.
Another woman, from Cabragh, shared concerns.
“Barbecue? Barbe-spew more like. Last year I ate a couple of his burgers and some ribs that he got cheap from somewhere. Jaysus, did I not see them again half an hour later. My stomach was like one of those lava lamps for a month. And he’s always getting Sheena and Des over, our neighbours from across the way. We end up getting drunk and admit personal things and then we avoid eye-contact for six months for fear of what was said that night even though no one can remember”.
“What’s going on with all this weather?” demanded another woman from Brocagh. “Usually by the time the sun comes out here and my husband eventually gets off his arse to the get the barbecue stuff, it’s started raining or snowing. But the forecast last night said it’s guaranteed to be a really warm and pleasant weekend. What a nightmare”.
A spokeswoman from Dungannon & South Tyrone Council said that the weather is having far-reaching consequences beyond the back garden.
“Tyrone’s in unchartered territory here. For the first time in the county’s recorded history it’s definitely guaranteed to be a sunny weekend. Quite frankly, a lot of people are panicking. They don’t know what to do. We had one woman from Dungannon phoning us saying that normally if she goes out on a sunny day as a precaution she also takes a jumper, an umbrella, a pair of wellies, and a compass. What’s the poor woman supposed to take with her now?”
The Council have also has several calls from the Stewartstown area querying what the ‘big yellow hurty thing” is in the sky.