PRONI’s release of previously declassified government files under its 20-year rule, making them available to the public, has revealed that the DUP debated a motion to tarmac the whole of Lough Neagh and use it as an all-year-around practice arena for marching.

The motion, which was narrowly defeated at the DUP AGM by 52 votes to 51, wobbled after it emerged the tarmacking team would probably come from Longford or Westmeath which may have benefitted the southern government.

The Lough Neagh Marching Arena blueprint was drawn up by an architect in Portadown. It involved a big lane for drummers, a big lane for instrumentalists and a big lane for the ones who throw the stick. There were also going to be over 20’000 cones used to replicate corners and bends in the road.

Sammy Knettles, an ex-DUP whip, remembers the debate well:

“It was going to be majestic. We’d allow the schools to use it too, to get them started early into the marching. We were even going to have fake lamp posts up and all with flags on them to replicate the glorious day. It just unravelled a bit when we found out that 99.5% of tarmackers are from the south.”

In other releases, confidential papers from the time suggest the UUP was thinking of starting up a GAA team in the early 00s to cash in on the Celtic Tiger boom. Ken Maginnis had already impressed in trials and was being monitored by Dungannon Clarkes.