Monthly Archives: October 2024
New Proposed Cookstown Bypass ‘A Bit Winding’ Admits Authorities
Road authorities have admitted they might have to stick a petrol station and cafe on the newly proposed Cookstown Bypass after realising they’ve added 16 miles onto the journey due to farmer disputes, rivers, soggy ground, potholes, and fairy trees.
Plans for the new bypass have also raised concerns about driver dizziness, with over 19 sharp turns over the 16-mile new road. Authorities have also admitted there is no money to fix new potential potholes in the area until 2028.
An irate Magherafelt man, who goes home through the town every day, fumed:
“What kind of a bollocks made that map? I’d rather sit in a 2-mile tailback for an hour than throw-up on the new 16-mile bypass full of potholes. I’ve seen smoother rollercoasters. It’ll be a graveyard for axles. And you can be rest assured the cops will be out making a fortune on tyre damage. Some of them potholes are meant to be going to be as big as small paddling pools.”
Work on the new bypass will begin in the new year when the digger man gets over Christmas. Tenders will also be put out for eateries on the new bypass to give drivers a break.
Edendork Snowball Found After Demolition Of Building
The Edendork Snowball, one of the most elusive prizes in Europe, and which hadn’t been won since 1972, was found in box under a set of stairs during the demolition of the Edendork Hall this week.
The Snowball, awarded if a Full House was called at the bingo before the 40th number, was last won by Felix Cassidy from Dirnagh, earning him £2000, which would be around half a million in today’s money.
It is said that when the Berlin Wall was knocked down, the first thing the East Germans wanted to know was if the Edendork Snowball had been won yet. Neil Armstrong was also alleged to have asked the same question when he got out of quarantine in 1969.
The man who found the Snowball, Edendork club man Malachy Nelis, maintains it’s only right he is paid for the find:
“By my reckoning, the Snowball would be worth around a million now. It’s only fair that I get the money as I found the thing. I’m also an Edendork man so that is in keeping with our policy that we win things in-house around these places. Pay up, St Malachy’s!”
The Edendork Snowball is to be placed in a museum in Geneva.
Police Plead To Thousands Camping On Washingbay Rd Ahead of Clonoe Coalisland Play-Off
International press have descended on East Tyrone ahead of the crucial Clonoe/Coalisland play-off this Saturday, with police pleading to non-ticket holders that batons will be used if they attempt to gain access to the Clonoe ground before the relegation decider.
An estimated 20’000 supporters are expected to try to gain access to the 1000-capacity ground, with many homes in the area offering B&B facilities for astronomical prices, despite only putting on sausage sandwiches and milk. Already, 3000 hopefuls have set up camp in hedges along the Washingbay Road, with helicopters shouting warnings and spraying them with water and rocks to disperse the numbers.
New York Times journalist Bruce Taggart, who has ancestors in the area, explained:
“We’ve travelled 1000s of miles for this game. It’s all the talk in the States. Most Fianna supporters are from New York itself, with many Clonoe fans emerging from the hillbilly states. I’m worried about getting in to see it now although Tessies are doing a chipped firestick screening.”
The police were called to Coalisland earlier today after two seemingly friendly rivals engaged in a fistfight regarding the outcome of the weekend’s game. Ronnie McSheery and Olly McNeill, two local celebrities, had to be separated after McSheery alleged that Clonoe only bate Coalisland in 1991 because they poached Derrytresk’s best player.
First Country & Western GCSE ‘Going Well’ in Dungannon Tech
Ireland’s first Country and Western GCSE qualification has got off to a good start says officials at the prestigious Dungannon Tech in South Tyrone, with all 14 students passing their first assessment with flying colours.
The first module, which covers topics such as analysing and devising lyrics to do with losing your girlfriend/boyfriend to a rival, and how to dress country style, was assessed last week with all but one student receiving 100% in their tests. The remaining student only received 88% after they mistakenly wrote down that black shoes go well with jeans.
Teacher Malachi Cushling added:
“The students already had a sound knowledge of Hugo, Philomena, and the American greats like Tammy Wynette and Willie Nelson. We even had a country disco last week to celebrate the results, although that had to be cut short after one of the students got his pointy shoe caught in a grill in the middle of the floor. They were all bleary-eyed on Monday morning, having watched the Late Late Show Country Special flat out all day Sunday.”
Next month’s modules include ‘Cowboy electricians are not musicians‘ and ‘Hank Williams is no Nathan Carter‘.
Tyrone Tribulations 