Monthly Archives: November 2024
Cookstown Annex Tullyhogue “in the interests of the region”
In a bold move, Cookstown has obliterated Tullyhogue, which it states is for the safety of the citizens of Tullyhogue (despite burning down the medical centre) and the stability of the wider region. They deny genocide.
Whilst universally slated, no one has done anything about it, while Cookstown sets its sights towards annihilating Newmillls, who they accuse of directing Halloween fireworks in their direction. The Tyrone County Board has been asked to intervene to help the Tullyhoguians but said that although Cookstown’s actions were reprehensible, it was nothing to do with them, but were since photographed shaking hands with Cookstown businessman Jacob McGurk who “makes great diggers”.
With many local counsellors up in arms, an emergency motion was raised to reinstate normal borders, but Mid Ulster Council vetoed the move, citing historical complications dating back to the 1940s. The council have also warned BBC officials that their reporting on the events will be ‘monitored closely’.
Cookstown, whom some have criticised for reacting a bit disproportionately to a window being smashed at an Orange Hall in their Main Street by burning down every GAA club south of the town within a 20-mile radius, stands firm in its actions saying it’s a matter of good versus righteous. They also claim to be open to a ceasefire, just after they’ve chased all natives from the area in the next few weeks.
When TT reached out for comment by locally elected officials, most ministers at Stormont were unavailable for comment, but we are informed they were dancing at the Glenavon and eating Cookstown Sausages, as that brought in jobs.
Derry County Board Interviewed FIVE Tyrone Celebrities Including Begley, Taylor and Cush
The recent round of interviews for the Derry manager’s job was described as being the ‘stiffest yet’ as Tyrone legends Dennis Taylor, Philomena Begley, Malachi Cush, Hugo Duncan, and Jimmy Cricket finished behind Paddy Tally in the race to become the boss of the county’s footballers.
Tally, who hails from Galbally which has a Chinese takeaway and a convenience store, had to withstand stiff competition from Malachi Cush after the Donaghmore man told the Derry interview team that he’d also sing the national anthem if given the job, saving them money. It is reported that Begley and Duncan also offered to sing the anthem but lacked knowledge about the new rules the GAA is bringing in.
An insider informed us:
“Dennis Taylor impressed me with his jovial wit and he did the whole finger wagging thing, and that would be good for discipline. Jimmy Cricket wasn’t really all that interested but he was told to go anyway as he was from Cookstown and that’s only down the road. But we’re happy we’ve got the best Tyrone person we could get. What can go wrong?”
Adrian Logan, Darren Clarke and Kevin McAleer are said to be furious they were overlooked.
Tally is yet to name his backroom team but early signs suggest Omagh’s Sam Neill, Gortin’s Janet Devlin and Tom McDermott from Greencastle are in the running.
Trump Vows To Make Coalisland Fianna GAC Great Again, If They Dig For Coal
Donald Trump, who will be sworn in as 47th President of the United States of America, has revealed plans to make Coalisland Fianna ‘the best Gaelic football team on the planet’ by 2026, as long as they start digging for coal again and ship 90% of it to the States.
The re-opening of the coalmines, closed for over 50 years, will be overseen by a relation of Trump from Newmills, Harry Trump, a children’s clown artist.
President-elect Trump added:
“I’ve loved Coalisland all my life, really loved Coalisland. My mother used to tell me of the great people of Coalisland, all the great people. Handsome people. Some of the most handsome people I’ve ever seen. And the coal. The beautiful coal. There is no coal more beautiful than the coal in Coalisland. It’s a thing of beauty. And the football team. They’re beautiful too. They’ll be World Champions in two years. Mark my words, in 2 years they will be World Champions of America. I’ll see to it personally. I want the coal first, though.”
Trump has asked that 90% of coal extracted from the new Coalisland pits be shipped to New York in return for his personal Irish company as club sponsors on the jerseys, “Frackin Hell.” He has also bought a year’s entry to the GAA club’s Lottery.
Landi’s have acted immediately and are offering massive cheeseburgers.
Brackaville Ghost Now Identifies As A Ghoul, Says Local Medium
A ghost from the Mullaghmoyle Road in Brackaville has asked the public to respect her new identity as a ghoul and to stop referring to her as a ghost, according to local medium, Petsey Keeneedy.
Ghouls, which are perceived to be more disgusting than ghosts and are prone to eating dead carcasses, are said to be on the wane in recent times due to new environmental laws on disposing of dead animals and the rise in cremations.
The Brackaville Ghost has strongly requested to be called the Brackaville Ghoul from here on in, and has warned that she isn’t afraid of going down the legal route. Keeneedy explained:
“I usually check in with her once a month but I noticed she was a bit annoyed this time. She didn’t want to do any small talk on general ghosting matters but instead read out a prepared statement. In it she said she now identifies as a ghoul and wants to be called it from now on. She was quite angry about a recent conversation online that called her a ghost and threatened all types of disgusting stuff, like digging up cats and eating them, as well as contacting a solicitor.”
The Brackaville Ghoul is said to be over 500 years old and is related to the Coyle families in the area, although her father was reported to be from Monaghan.
Tyrone Tribulations 