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Tyrone’s First Apple Store To Open In Loughmacrory In Time For Christmas
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A local businessman has confirmed he intends this week to open an Apple Store in the heart of County Tyrone.
Failed entrepreneur and part-time day dreamer Wilbert Feenan confirmed yesterday that following some highly successful pre-publicity, the store will open in Loughnacrory in December in time for an anticipated Christmas rush.
“I couldn’t believe it”, said Feenan excitedly. “I did all my market research and it turns out there’s hardly any Apple Stores at all. There’s one in Belfast and about twenty in England and that’s it. Everyone I speak to says they’re making millions. You even have to make an appointment in some of them. It’s a huge gap in the market. Them boys in Tescos and Asdas sell apples but they don’t specialise, see? I’m going to sell nothing but apples”.
Feenan says he intends to stock a wide range of products, including Cox’s Pippins, Honeycrisp, Golden Delicious, and Granny Smith.
“The response has been astonishing”, said a delighted Feenan. “I’ve already had enquiries from all over Tyrone and beyond. I had this one boy on the phone wanting advice about an Apple Mac. As it happens I love McIntosh apples, so I told him to keep it in the fridge to prolong its lifespan”.
Feenan explained he has also received enquiries from callers wanting to know how to get rid of bugs, and said he had instructed them to spray their product with cat urine.
“I love a juicy Pink Lady as much as the next person, but even I’ve been overwhelmed at the level of interest. I even had this one boy saying he watches apple TV all the time. Can you imagine? People are mad for the apples. I had folks call to say they’re willing to spend way over £100 but want help choosing the right apple. Quare stuff. Maybe people want to make fresh apple sauce for Christmas. If this proves a success I’m going to open an Orange Shop. There doesn’t seem to be many of them either”.
Feenan’s previous business ventures have proved unsuccessful, including Mid-way Dinner Mints, pants for wasps, and the pizza magnet.
Sinister New Group ‘IDLA’ Form In West Tyrone To Oppose Benefit Cuts
Government officials are said to be on high alert after a shadowy phone-call from a group calling themselves the West Tyrone Independent Disability Living Allowance (IDLA) announced they will resist a tightening on fraudulent payouts by whatever means necessary.
The news that benefits in some cases are to be reassessed came after a Strabane man, who was claiming incapacity benefit for a sore back, was caught moonlighting as a bare-knuckle cage boxer in the lucrative underground fighting ring in Clady. Jon McElhinna defended his position:
“I never said I was incapacitated at night. The cold air seems to work wonders on the muscles. I’m only incapacitated during the day and I’m not giving up my £300 a week. No siree.”
IDLA have also sworn to stand up for any benefit cuts, including the case against Donemana’s Mary McClean who had failed to declare her life-long partner and executive banker, Cyron, as a resident. Hurson defended her position by declaring:
“No he doesn’t live here. Yes, he arrives at 7am for breakfast and yes I make him his lunch-time salad. And yes, he does kiss me at the door as he leaves and yes returns at 6pm for a bit of lunch and tells me about his day before putting the children to bed and yes falling asleep on the TV whilst watching cooking programmes. But he doesn’t live here. Anyway, I’m bisexual.”
The IDLA say they’ll let the tyres down on anyone who looks like someone from Belfast carrying a clipboard walking up driveways.
Meanwhile Barry McElduff has endorsed a Christmas single to be released by the balaclava-ed IDLA called ‘Keep er Lit’, a direct attack on the proposed cuts being made to households who earn over £100’000 per annum and who claim for heating allowance.
Clady Man Caught Out By Legit ‘One Direction’ Tickets Email Scam
Mad about Clady
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
E-mail users throughout Tyrone have been asked to be on the alert for a dangerous email which is currently circulating in thousands of unsuspecting inboxes across the county.
Police have warned that the email which has the heading, ‘Two Free One Direction Tickets’, should not under any circumstances be opened, as it contains two free One Direction tickets.
“It’s tara”, said 62 year old pig farmer Connor Cunningham from the Urney Road. “I expected it to be one of those scam emails that tries to sell you Viagara or has got pitchers of nudie wummin and suchlike. To be honest I just opened it for the craic. I was horrified when I found out it contained two free genuine One Direction tickets. Well, I can’t not go, can I? It would be a bit rude. To be honest I’ve no idea who those One Direction lads. Are they a bit like The Chieftains?”
Cunningham’s brother in law, Noel MacIlreavy, muttered, “People were saying you couldn’t give these tickets away. Well apparently you can. Just email it to a bunch of eejits like Connor and someone will fall for it. Have you seen the state of him walking about in his wellies with his big ball of blue rope? He’s not wise. If he turns up at the Odyssey Arena like that, people’ll think he’s the child catcher out of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”.
Upon being told that One Direction are one of the biggest teen sensations to hit the music charts since Christy Moore teamed up with Declan Sinnott, Connor said,
“Ah now, I don’t hold with all that buck leapin’ around on stage like you see on the TV, lickin’ their lips and grabbin’ themselves and singin’ all that jangly music. I’ll have my electric cattle prod with me. Any of that nonsense and they’ll get 10,000 volts up their jacksies. They’ll be grabbin’ themselves then all right”.
Cunningham however remains adamant that he will take up the offer from the anonymous ticket donor.
“Normally I’d be worried about the expense of getting the bus down to Belfast, but I’m not too bothered”, said Connor. He confided, “See, between you and me I also had an email from this African boy wanting to deposit some money somewhere safe and he’s going to give me a whole lock of pounds. I’ve already given him my bank details. I think I’m going to get surprise next time I go to the cashpoint. Deadly”.
When contacted about the email, a One Direction spokesman revealed that it has been a long-term ambition of the band to play in Clady some time.
Heathrow’s Third Runway Might Be Built At Moygashal’s Linen Green
Dry run at Moygashal
By Shengas McGlumphie
Plans are underway to build London Heathrow Airport’s controversial third runway on the site of the beleaguered Linen Green in Moygashel. Proposals for the controversial third runway at Heathrow have reached deadlock in recent years with the current government accused of kicking the issue into the long grass, whilst closer to home the upmarket Linen Green retail outlet in Moygashel, Tyrone, has been put up for sale in recent weeks after its owner was declared bankrupt.
‘Every way you look at it, this makes perfect sense,” said local entrepreneur, property owner and part-time fantasist Declan Corrigan, who is leading the initiative. “Them London planning boys need to look outside the box a bit. They want a third runway at Heathrow but there’s not enough space and the campaigners don’t like it. They should look a wee bit further afield. Like Moygashel”.
Corrigan explained the plans for the audacious proposal.
“We’ll turn some of the empty Linen Green shops into a huge petrol station for the jumbo jets to roll up to, nice and easy. And it won’t need a terminal building because there’s a big Spar Shop round the corner. It even sells hummus which would cater for the foreign types”.
Corrigan went on to outline his plans for the runway itself.
“Everyone’s into the environment these days, so we make use of what we’ve already got. Them airyplanes will taxi out down the Mullybrannon Road to the A4 and they can take off and land on the dual carriageway. To keep it safe, we’ll have a man with a flag to stop cars during take-off and landing. Once we’ve knocked out a few of the bridges that’s the job done. And if they need a long runway for Concorde and the like we’ll give them one. 40 miles of it all the way down to Belfast”.
Suggestions that the 300 miles between Moygashel and London might be further than passengers would like, Corrigan retorted,
“Jaysus, Ryanair play that game all the time and it doesn’t stop them. And anyway, if for some mad reason they’re desperate to get to London, we’ll bus them down to Belfast City Airport and they can catch a plane from there”.
Opponents of the plans have already raised concerns regarding potential noise and air pollution in the local area. Corrigan said,
“People have to stop being selfish with all this ‘not-in-my-back-yard’ stuff. They should think about the money this could bring into the Tyrone economy, that’s what they should be doing. Besides, I live in Coalisland, so as long as the runway’s nowhere near there it won’t affect me”.
Tyrone Tribulations 