BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

A local businessman has confirmed he intends this week to open an Apple Store in the heart of County Tyrone.

Failed entrepreneur and part-time day dreamer Wilbert Feenan confirmed yesterday that following some highly successful pre-publicity, the store will open in Loughnacrory in December in time for an anticipated Christmas rush.

“I couldn’t believe it”, said Feenan excitedly. “I did all my market research and it turns out there’s hardly any Apple Stores at all. There’s one in Belfast and about twenty in England and that’s it. Everyone I speak to says they’re making millions. You even have to make an appointment in some of them. It’s a huge gap in the market. Them boys in Tescos and Asdas sell apples but they don’t specialise, see? I’m going to sell nothing but apples”.

Feenan says he intends to stock a wide range of products, including Cox’s Pippins, Honeycrisp, Golden Delicious, and Granny Smith.

“The response has been astonishing”, said a delighted Feenan. “I’ve already had enquiries from all over Tyrone and beyond. I had this one boy on the phone wanting advice about an Apple Mac. As it happens I love McIntosh apples, so I told him to keep it in the fridge to prolong its lifespan”.

Feenan explained he has also received enquiries from callers wanting to know how to get rid of bugs, and said he had instructed them to spray their product with cat urine.

“I love a juicy Pink Lady as much as the next person, but even I’ve been overwhelmed at the level of interest. I even had this one boy saying he watches apple TV all the time. Can you imagine? People are mad for the apples. I had folks call to say they’re willing to spend way over £100 but want help choosing the right apple. Quare stuff. Maybe people want to make fresh apple sauce for Christmas. If this proves a success I’m going to open an Orange Shop. There doesn’t seem to be many of them either”.

Feenan’s previous business ventures have proved unsuccessful, including Mid-way Dinner Mints, pants for wasps, and the pizza magnet.