Kildress teachers, first day back

The Tyrone Pioneers’ Association released their annual sobriety statistics yesterday with the highlights including a higher number of sober men that those permanently drunk in Kildress for the first time since records began in 1909. This startling stat comes as no surprise to the housewives of the area who have put in a sustained and sterling effort since 2010 in order to dry out their husbands, boyfriends, fathers and sons.

Mrs McGurk told the Tyrone Tribulations office:

“You notice the difference. In the past the bin-men, plasterers, joiners, sparks, doctors, teachers and priests were all too drunk to do their jobs successfully, or even at all. There was rubbish all over the fields, houses were dilapidated, no electricity for weeks, women being misdiagnosed as pregnant when they’d just put on beef, children running wild on top of school buildings and no masses. The place was a no-go for tourists. BBC were coming here to film footage and pretend it was Africa for their news programmes. A couple of years ago the women of Kildress decided enough was enough.”

McGurk was at the forefront of the ‘Wolfe-Tone Wicked Women’ (WWW) movement which met once a month to share stories about controlling their men, mostly through violence. The first sign that things had turned the corner was when the postman was getting some of the letters delivered correctly. The proof was in the pudding and with the news that 51% of Kildress men are sober at 6pm every day, Mrs McGurk feels the initiative was vindicated but asked women to remain vigilant.

“This is just the start. We can’t allow ourselves to become complacent. Instead of a pat on the back after yesterday’s announcement, I gave my husband an unmerciful hiding last night for just mentioning the word ‘stout’. Next year we want the percentage up again.”

One male source, who did not wish to be named, laughed at the figures released, claiming that a new Russian vodka was virtually undetectable. He told us, “we’ll alwaysh be one shhtep ahead of the wemen. Themsh Portuguese boysh collecting the bins”.