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Relationship In Jeopardy After ‘Toilet Malfunction’ At Girlfriend’s Parent’s House
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A Granville man fears his two-year relationship with his girlfriend may be over after the toilet refused to flush away a substantial article following Sunday lunch last week at her parent’s house on Parkanaur Road in Castlecaulfield.
24 year old Nickey Conway had been invited to have dinner by Nuala Brady with her parents Padraig and Edele and younger brother Martin. Problems began after Conway excused himself to use the facilities shortly after having devoured a third slice of Mrs Brady’s Malteser cheesecake.
“To be fair, I had had a big feed the night before so I was already sitting on an elephant. As I lowered the keks I knew it wasn’t going to be straightforward” said Conway, a mechanic from Granville. “But by the time my eyes started watering I knew I was it was going to be a right handlin’”.
Mr Brady, unimpressed at the handlin’
Following the seventh unsuccessful flush, an increasingly agitated Conway started looking for equipment to help to send the offending item on its way, and considered at various moments using Mrs Brady’s loofah back-scratcher, Mr Brady’s electric toothbrush, and young Martin’s bottle of Mister Matey.
“Jaysus, I was panicking. At one stage I was about to fish the buckin’ thing back out with a facecloth and just throw it into the cistern to get rid of it. At least her wee brother might have got the blame”, said Conway doubtfully. “But none of it mattered. To be honest, the only thing that would have helped would have been hitting it over the back with a spade”.
An embarrassed Nickey returned to the dinner table muttering “I’d leave it a few minutes if I were you” to the Brady family, but the matter was further compounded.
“As if it wasn’t bad enough leaving that big yolk just sitting there in their toilet, the smell had followed me downstairs. They all pretended not to notice but I could see Mrs Brady trying not to gag as she offered round the Hobnobs. Jaysus, it was some job. In more ways than one”.
Following the incident, Mrs Brady had to be dissuaded by her husband from taking a number of drastic actions because of the stench, which included going to stay with her sister, phoning Rentokil, and at one stage calling Father Moore from St John’s to conduct an exorcism in the bathroom.
Suspect Fraudulent Claims Rocks Greencastle Farming Community
A common sight in Greencastle?
Government officials today were refusing to comment on the news that upwards on 150 claims are to be investigated by the ‘Bad Snow Compensation Bureau’. The Bureau were alerted to the possible misdemeanors after a zoo official, who was in their office registering a personal snow-plough, indicated that there were definitely no giraffes in Greencastle. Farmers were invited last month to forward a list of animals they may have lost in the drifting snow in the hope that some compensation would ease their financial losses. The Bad Snow Compensation Bureau’s Johnny Bingham explained:
“We received an unusually large quota of claims from the Greencastle area in the immediate aftermath of the recent snowfall regarding the loss of a vast array of animals not really seen that often around the bottom of the Sperrins. Farmer Devlin claims he lost 33 ostriches and an elephant in the snowdrift. A neighbour, Johnny ‘the yellow boy’ McCullagh, maintains the extreme weather cost him three giraffes, two alligators and four kangaroos. I know the snowdrifts were unusually high but the giraffe is stretching the imagination a bit. Add to that the fact that no one had ever seen a giraffe in the area and it’s beginning to look a bit dubious.”
McCullagh is still adamant he is a few exotic animals down after the snow and explains why locals had never spotted them before the tragdey:
“What does it matter if these people hadn’t seen the giraffes? People here in passing would just put them down as big horses. The two alligators were fairly camouflaged so I can explain that one away. The kangaroos are private individuals and brilliant at avoiding detection. I’m fairly gutted about their disappearance to be honest.”
When pressed on the fact the coyote noises coming from the barn were quite obviously his wife and children faking it and that no animal was recovered when the snow melted, McCullagh muttered something about them being in heaven and to get off his land. Devlin and McCullagh stand to receive £300’000 if successful. John Teague’s claim for a missing wooly mammoth wasn’t even processed.
Wooly mammoth and the Sperrins?
Tyrone Tribulations 