Strabane, traditionally a few steps ahead of the rest of the county, have shown the way again by drawing up a watertight schedule for the end of the world on Friday. Whilst other towns and villages in Tyrone have received the Mayan prophecy with a sizeable degree of scepticism, the home of Hugo Duncan have bought one hundred percent into the doomsday scenario and have all received leaflets tonight offering instructions and advice for the apocalypse. Driving the initiative is local lunatic Damien McElhinney, a former taxi driver for the clergy.
“You have to laugh at them eejits up in Sion Mills. They’re waltzing about thinking things will be OK. Well, they’ll be kicking themselves when they’re hurriedly faced with the Final Judgement unprepared whilst the Strabane ones don’t bat an eyelid. I have been able to pinpoint the cataclysm at around 9:30pm on Friday, just before The Late Late Show starts. All farmers in the area have been told to have the milking done and land red up by around six. Then the spuds should be on the table long before The One Show starts. The rest of the time should be set aside to tidying the house, homework completed and then baths for the children, and general relaxation before the planet implodes and we’re transported to our everlasting paradise. Them Omagh ones are going to be raging at our meticulous planning whilst they worry about hair straighteners left on or the dog roaming the rampart.”
Although refusing to be drawn on the exact nature of the End of Times, McElhinney says there’ll be an unbearable sound of wailing and gnashing of teeth coupled with horrifying groans of the fatally maimed, but not in Strabane.
“We’ve decided to bring forward the Strabane Community Lottery a day from Saturday as there’d be some complaining about it from this shower, even up in Nirvana.”