Blog Archives
Health Experts Reveal Majority Of Mental Health Referrals Due To Lockdown Family Quiz Trauma On Zoom
The Irish Health Agency ‘Mathatters’ has revealed that 70% of referrals in 2024 so far have been due to trauma caused by having a series of family quizzes online during lockdown.
Dr Peter Campbell, who plasters walls in his spare time, admitted that the family quizzes have left siblings ‘shaking with fear’ as soon as they see laptops or hear the Skype ringtone.
“It appears that the quizzes would end up in heavy online drinking sessions with a few home truths told by the end of the session, usually in the early hours of the morning. Then they’d do it all again the following week. The quizzes were just a distraction before the slagging started. Some families haven’t spoken to each other since it, usually over a question about county nicknames.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone supporters have been asked to be careful on the Glenshane Pass this Sunday as the dippers were spotting doing trial runs tonight.
East Tyrone Community Forum Call For Legalization Of Psychedelic Mushrooms If Lockdown Continues
In order to lift spirits before Christmas and to encourage locals to spend heavily in shops, the East Tyrone Community Forum (ETCF) have called on government officials to legalize Magic Mushrooms east of Omagh if the Executive continues with full or partial lockdown measures.
Shrooms, which make up 25% of fields in the greater Dungannon area right up to Ardboe, had long been regarded as a staple diet in the area from the 1300s until 25 years ago when the cops started to tighten up on workman’s glue, ether, poitin and mushrooms as they’d nothing else to be at.
ETCF chairperson B Quinn (69) maintains that the mushrooms will give locals a much needed boost to morale after being prevented from dressing up as Garth Brooks and Dolly Parton for Hallowe’en:
“I’d not advocating going mad on the shrooms, just maybe a small bite in the morning and then another one before going out to shop. It’ll multiply productivity at work and also make people a bit looser with the wallet when we need it most. It’s worth a punt.”
Off licences have reacted angrily to Quinn’s request and have threatened to close on Christmas Day if ministers give mushrooms the green light.
Thousands Refuse To Get Hair Cut As Rise In 80s Tribute Bands Continues
Barbers and hairdressers across the county are said to be dismayed and worried at the lack of customers in their premises since lock down rules were relaxed.
In what is said to be a related trend, over 300 new 80s tribute bands have been registered in the county, with many groups formed within single households featuring siblings with big hair and imitating bands such as Bon Jovi, Bananarama and Europe.
Coalisland barber John ‘Crowbar’ Timlin fumed at the latest development:
“People would need to wise up. Most can sing for none and although they may look the part I wouldn’t spend a penny on going to see a rake of Gervins singing The Final Countdown. Come and get your hairs cut for feck sake.”
Already, four sisters from Brackaville have received several bookings for their tribute band to The Bangles called ‘Yer Bangles’ after growing seriously big hair over the lockdown, even though three of them are tone deaf.
Meanwhile, a barber in Killyman has been reported for taking a Samurai Sword to customers with more difficult barnets.
Tyrone Tribulations 