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Strabane Man Got ‘Face Slapped Off Him’ For Suggesting His Man Flu Worse Than Childbirth
Worse than childbirth?
A Strabane solictor, and father of eight, was today said to be literally licking his wounds after innocently suggesting in his local pharmacy that his current ‘man-flu’ was probably worse than any of the childbirths his wife endured.
Several witnesses maintained a line of at least nine angry women lined up to slap 41-year old Killian Kelly on the face, leaving him ‘whimpering like a chastised mutt’ according to one bystander, before almost fainting in pain. He was revived by sucking on a packet of Victory Vs.
Kelly, whose wife gave birth naturally eight times since 2006, was forced to buy vaseline to sooth facial scorch marks after the ordeal, as well as the Lemsip he initially came in for.
One of the slapees, Mrs Duncan (66) from the Donegal Road, confirmed she has no regrets about the punishment dished out:
“What a wee bollocks!”
before stating she’d use a brick the next time he came out with ‘talk like that in a chemist full of women.’.
In an unusual move, The Independent Women of Strabane Society have challenged local townsmen to a pain challenge. By using top of the range pain sensors, a man is to be strapped up to a machine alongside a woman giving birth who will also be measured by the same contraption. The male participant is to receive some measure of pain in order to mirror that of childbirth.
Bookies are offering 2/1 that seven kicks in the testicle area will even up the pain receptors on both participants. So far there have been no volunteers.
Man-Flu Epidemic Sweeps Tyrone
Edendork man, today
An exceptionally acute man-flu episode is apparently rifling its way through Tyrone this week, allegedly originating in Ardboe. Today, Strabane men were reportedly suffering from symptoms which suggests the whole county’s male population is now probably affected. Tyrone women, who are immune to the illness, have been exhibiting unusually less-sympathetic-than-normal responses to the epidemic. Con O’Farrell, a poor sufferer from Brackaville, explained the early telltale signs as well as offering advice for fellow male victims.
“Jeepers, it’s deadly boys. I started snifflin on Saturday night and told the woman I couldn’t light the fire cos of it. Although she was suffering from a migrane herself and was 8 months pregnant, she showed no sympathy at all and the slabbers running clean off me like. The other lads around here said their women were the same. No grief atall. The next day I was hurting everywhere and, again, no TLC was offered. I’ll tell you how bad it was. After she made the dinner, I had to lie down for an hour. I usually do the dishes and all and bejaysus I couldn’t do them cos of the slight pain in my body and the snifflin. I thought I was going to die like. The pain and suffering must be worse than childbirth. Be strong lads.”
Other Tyrone men reported ‘not feeling right’, with many too frightened to help out around the house with fear of collapsing of something. Others confirmed that they found women became sarcastic, cold or unsympathetic towards them. Similar responses were reported by women in Derry, Armagh and Fermanagh.
“Ah fer feck sake”, Deirdre Henderson from Fintona told us, “I have high blood pressure, women’s problems, piles and have borne 13 children. I make the breakfast, get the children out to school and that oul bastard is lying on the couch with a duvet on him watching Loose Women, all because he has a snattery nose and a gentle cough. He won’t even lift his fingers to change the remote for himself, whimpering at the children to help him. I urge all Tyrone women. Stand firm against these shower of useless hoors. The next time he says he thinks he’s coming down with something, he will be. My fist.”
Male doctors have urged Tyrone men to stay positive and remain at home as one cough could infect another batch from a neighbouring townland.
Tyrone Tribulations 