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Derrytresk To Host Its First Orange March
In what has been described as a historic gesture that’ll reverberate across the globe, Derrytresk are to host a 12th of July parade for the brethren up at Tamnamore. The controversial decision has been roundly applauded with a couple of high profile republican and unionist ministers declaring that they’ll think about going if there’s nothing else on.
The march’s chief organiser, Sadie McClure, outlined the schedule:
“The band and its supporters will arrive at about 11. We’ve commissioned a few desks from Kingsisland School and a couple of women say they’ll prepare a pile of mineral, maybe 10 jugs of diluted juice, and we’ll have the mineral sitting on the desks at the electric pole outside the pitch. I’m making cheese sandwiches and the barman says he’ll throw up a couple of packets of Bacon Fries.”
The route itself is slightly less straight forward according to McClure:
“It’s a wee bit tricky. They’ll be marching mostly across barren ramparts the whole way to Drumurrer, negotiating a few hateful ditches that have claimed small dogs in the past. We’ve asked Johnny Hagan to tie up his buck goat for that one day. It roams the moss along with Tomney’s bull. It can’t be tied so we’d be hoping the lambeg drummer will give it a few skites if it runs for them. It should be ok.”
The PSNI have revealed they will not be patrolling the march as there’s nowhere to stand and no jeeps can access the route anyway.
Tamnamore have said they’ll return the favour next Easter Sunday with the Derrytresk Ceile Band allowed to parade around their roundabout about 20 times hassle free.
Ardboe’s Famous Bull Might Be Gay. Worse Than Recession.
Don Juan, not in the mood
The famous Ardboe Bull, who services up to 1400 cows in the village on a yearly basis, has reportedly shown signs that he may now be gay, throwing the livelihoods of hundreds in the area into disarray. Affectionately nicknamed ‘Don Juan DeMarco’, the Red Angus had been valued at over £3m such is his handsome, wide muzzle, stunning scrotal circumference and solid square frame. His reputation was so impressive that cattle used to break out of other farms and make their way to Don for the service. However, recent developments have stunned the farming community who have lived off Don’s impressive exploits since 2006. His owner, Kieran McGuigan, is of no doubt that his bull’s whoring and touring days are about to change dramatically.
“To be honest, I saw it coming. Last year I caught him a few times servicing cattle whilst staring at John McCallion’s bull across the rampart. I told the lads down the pub that it was as if he was winking at the other bull. They ridiculed me but we’ll see who’s doing the ridiculing now when their cattle remain unserviced for the foreseeable future. It’s an awful blow to Ardboe. I’m not saying I’m homophobic. Some even say this could be the making of Ardboe. I’m all on for individual expression but, let’s be honest, this is an awful kick in the balls. Why couldn’t he have waited til he was done with the servicing? I’d be happy enough for him to see out the rest of his days in the company of McCallion’s bull who we all know is gay. They could’ve had a blissful retirement staring into the sunset together. There’ll be tough times in Ardboe now I’ll tell ye”
Worried locals have refused to give up hope and that spirit was exemplified in Hugh McConville’s approach:
“Ghost-oh! I need Don firing on all cylinders or I’m bankrupt. I went out today and bought Lionel Richie’s greatest hits. Let’s see if the oul hoor can resist my cattle with ‘Hello’ or ‘Three Times A Lady’ blasting out in the background. Works for me after a feed in the Battery.”
Ardboe holds its breath.
Tyrone Tribulations 