Ardboe’s Famous Bull Might Be Gay. Worse Than Recession.
The famous Ardboe Bull, who services up to 1400 cows in the village on a yearly basis, has reportedly shown signs that he may now be gay, throwing the livelihoods of hundreds in the area into disarray. Affectionately nicknamed ‘Don Juan DeMarco’, the Red Angus had been valued at over £3m such is his handsome, wide muzzle, stunning scrotal circumference and solid square frame. His reputation was so impressive that cattle used to break out of other farms and make their way to Don for the service. However, recent developments have stunned the farming community who have lived off Don’s impressive exploits since 2006. His owner, Kieran McGuigan, is of no doubt that his bull’s whoring and touring days are about to change dramatically.
“To be honest, I saw it coming. Last year I caught him a few times servicing cattle whilst staring at John McCallion’s bull across the rampart. I told the lads down the pub that it was as if he was winking at the other bull. They ridiculed me but we’ll see who’s doing the ridiculing now when their cattle remain unserviced for the foreseeable future. It’s an awful blow to Ardboe. I’m not saying I’m homophobic. Some even say this could be the making of Ardboe. I’m all on for individual expression but, let’s be honest, this is an awful kick in the balls. Why couldn’t he have waited til he was done with the servicing? I’d be happy enough for him to see out the rest of his days in the company of McCallion’s bull who we all know is gay. They could’ve had a blissful retirement staring into the sunset together. There’ll be tough times in Ardboe now I’ll tell ye”
Worried locals have refused to give up hope and that spirit was exemplified in Hugh McConville’s approach:
“Ghost-oh! I need Don firing on all cylinders or I’m bankrupt. I went out today and bought Lionel Richie’s greatest hits. Let’s see if the oul hoor can resist my cattle with ‘Hello’ or ‘Three Times A Lady’ blasting out in the background. Works for me after a feed in the Battery.”
Ardboe holds its breath.