Part of East Tyrone was under alert last night after the PSNI discovered two dozen bottles of Sunny Delight at a house in Balynakilly Road, which had been forgotten about at the back of a cupboard by the owner for 14 years. 150 families were evacuated from Derrytresk and the surrounding area for fear of radiation poisoning, and are currently undergoing tests for contamination.
DI Sean Robertson in a statement said,
“We discovered 24 bottles of a substance popularly known as Sunny Delight, or to give it its chemical name, Agent X. Once we’ve got some of thon deadly big white suit yolks like they use on thon ‘CSI’ programme, we’ll go in for a closer look”.
Sunny Delight, the adolescent’s drink of choice in the 1990s and bought by the uneducated, the unemployed, and certain types from Stewartstown, lost popularity after it was discovered that once the bottle had sat on a shelf for six months it underwent a thermo-nuclear chain reaction and rapidly gained the half-life of plutonium. A 3-year old 250ml bottle of Sunny Delight is capable of powering a nuclear submarine for two years, or a Killeeshil woman’s mobile phone for a month.
Trillick-based world-renowned professor and bio-chemist Nicholas Steinberg, with whom police are consulting, said,
“Ghost oh. That stuff’s tara. Did you ever see that ‘Alien’ film, with all that acid stuff that came out of the monster? Sunny Delight’s like that. Sigourney Weaver would cack her pants if she turned up in Derrytresk, Ah’m tellin’ ye boys. This is the worse contamination we’ve had since that boy spilled a whole bottle of Tizer in Cabragh in 2006, remember? Still, people need to stay calm. There’s no point anyone over-reacting”, warned Steinberg from behind a gas mask before rushing off to take shelter in an underground bunker.
It was alleged by the British government in 2002 that Saddam Hussein was developing Sunny Delight to use as a chemical weapon by putting it into an empty Fairy Liquid squeezy bottle and squirting it at people. The drink has already been banned by the United Nations under the Geneva Convention, and by all primary schools in the Dungannon and South Tyrone area.
It is expected that Derrytresk residents will be able to return to their homes in around 20 year’s time.