Keown during the starter

By Shengas McGlumphie

A local man remains hopeful that he has an opportunity to date a fairly attractive restaurant waitress who served him during a meal, with whom he shared his self-confessed ‘deadly banter’. Plunkett Keown, an unemployed fitter from Galbally, was dining at the popular Viceroy Restaurant in Dungannon on Wednesday night with his sister and brother-in-law, to celebrate Keown’s 27th birthday.

“There was this nice wee piece working the tables, all dolled up in the waitress uniform. To be honest she looked like she’d lie down in nettles for it, so I fancied my chances straight away. I decided to give her some of the famous Keown patter. I like my steak rare so when she asks how I want it I says, “Just wipe its arse and throw it on the plate!”

Mighty! She just stood there and said, “Chips and veg?” So I go straight in again with another beauty, and says “Just chips – I’m on a diet!” bang, just like that. She just wrote it down but I can tell she’s dying to burst out laughing. Later when she came round to take the drinks order I says “I’ll have another Guinness. All this drinkin’s thirsty work!” Even the next table were looking round to see who had come out with that belter. Jaysus, sometimes even I don’t know where they come from. ‘I’m on a diet’! Lethal craic hi!”

Keown tried at various times to catch the waitress’s eye without success.

“She had a face like a pishmire but I could tell it was all an act. She came over to ask if everything with the meal was okay but my mouth was so full of food all I could do was shout “Mighty”, and spray my sister in the face with cheesy garlic bread”.

Plunkett again missed his chance to impress the young woman when she returned to clear the table, to find him licking his plate.

“Wemin like men with a big appetite though. She was probably impressed. And that whiskey sauce was deadly. It’s a shame I spilt so much of it over my dungarees”.

Keown saw another opportunity to make an impression when ordering the dessert.

“This one never fails. I says “I’ll have the strawberry cheesecake – the strawberries are one of my five portions a day!”Jaysus, I was laughing so hard I nearly vomited. I could hardly breathe. By this time everyone’s looking round, obviously loving it. She didn’t laugh but I think she’s probably one of them cool types that’s cracking up on the inside. That’s what it seemed like to me anyway”.

Reflecting on the evening Keown said, “I’m surprised she never asked for my number. I think she’s playing it slow. It doesn’t matter. And anyway, I don’t have a phone”. Keown is currently single and has not had a girlfriend since 2001.