Aldergrove, 10am

Following the result of the American presidential election, over 500 builders and labourers downed tools this morning and headed to Belfast International Airport in the hope of picking up work on a secretive and lucretive new initiative along the Mexican border. 

Although details are sketchy, a Dromore labourer, Paddy McCullough, maintains there’s over £10 billion being spent on this project that will cover over 1000 miles and involve monumental levels of concrete.

Apparently the work is there and it starts next week. I’m getting a slice of that. Some say there’ll be some pitfalls like North American jaguars and Mexican black bears to deal with as well as the awkwardness of the Rio Grande but I’m sure it’s no worse that the midges etc down at Ardboe.”

The job reportedly involves a dig of 5 feet below the ground and a structure 20 feet above it. Rumours suggest it’s a 4-year job which will mean long stays away from loved ones at home.

McCullough remarked:

Bollocks to that. If you’d a choice between sitting in Dromore watching Emerdale Omnibuses and being drounded going to the Spar or sunning yourself near Mexico and getting paid for it for a lock of years, I know which one you’d be mad not to take. We’ll start up a football team too maybe – The El Paso St Dympna’s sounds good.

The San Diego flight has a strict no alcohol rule which will cause some concern to most passengers although McCullough added ‘sure a few dry hours will be worth it. We’ll be on the margaritas flat out for four years, watching the bears and jaguars mating. Deadly.”