MLAs from all parties have been hit with serious stomach cramps after tea was made yesterday in the staff kitchen using milk from January 2017.

Angry exchanges were allegedly heard outside the MLA kitchen with one high-profile DUP politician accused of making the milk turn sour by looking at it too long. A Sinn Fein MLA was also blamed for using milk produced by republican cows which has a history of causing explosive side effects according to food engineers at Queen’s University.

Kitchen porter Jeremy Carson admitted it was simply a case of the fridge not being emptied since the Assembly folded three years ago:

“I’m just glad no one ate the platter of tuna sandwiches which were still there since then. They’d have ended up with severely flushed skin, headaches, itchiness, blurred vision, abdominal cramps, diarrhea and possible death.  An SDLP woman did tackle a Snickers which was in there too but seems to have been lucky with that one.”

Meanwhile, funding has been requested by the Washingbay Society for the construction of an eel aquarium beside the Derrylaughan football field. The aquarium proposes to showcase over 4000 different types of eels from excited brownish eels to grumpy grey ones. The proposal suggests a worldwide audience for the idea, with a live Webcam for people to watch eels at any time of the day, anywhere in the world.