Monthly Archives: January 2025
Satellite Confirm Fears That Storm Has Blown Tyrone Closer To Dungiven
Joe Brolly could become a Tyrone native in 2027 if another storm with the same impact as Storm Eowyn occurs again, according to science boffs at Magee College in Derry.
The recent storm, which saw Ballinderry lose another 14% of its territory to Ardboe in an unusual change of wind direction, as well as Fermanagh totally enveloping Trillick, witnessed the area below the Sperrins edge almost 13 miles towards Dungiven. Sean Teague is now being touted as an honorary president of the Kevin Lynch’s hurling club in the village, despite only having drank once in it, in 1988.
Derry wind expert Gusty McGonagle added:
“Yes, it looks like Joe Brolly could be the face of Tyrone in 2027 if there’s one last push. Cookstown is already on top of Magherafelt and they’re mad into the sausages now there too. Mugsy was seen learning Danny Boy at the bingo last week in the Glenavon.”
Meanwhile, a man in Beragh broke the Irish javelin throwing record during the storm, throwing it from Beragh to Killyclogher, breaking the previous 82m record.
Toilet Rolls Sell Out In Gortin Area Before Arrival Of Storm Eowyn. ‘Use Ferns’ Advises Government.
The government has uploaded videos of how to use ferns and brackens to replace the use of toilet rolls, after the big Spar shop in Gortin as well as all the minor shops in the area pleaded for shoppers to stop asking for workers to search for toilet rolls ‘around the back’ as locals fear the worst before the arrival of storm Eowyn.
Andrex, Velvet and Nicky have also confirmed that they will not be shipping extra toilet rolls to the Gortin area as there is already a big demand in other areas such as Cookstown, Dungannon, Strabane and Omagh.
Gortin shopper, Liam Coyle, fumed:
“If the ministers think I’m heading into the Gortin Glens to clean my hole in broad daylight with a few ferns, they’ve another thing coming. I’m 76 and have a bit of dignity. They need to dip into the reserves around Stormont and give us what we need before this storm arrives. With the amount of shite they spew up there, I’m sure there’s a plethora of bog roll hidden on the hill.”
When asked why people were stocking up on toilet rolls before a gale, Coyle said it was in case the electricity goes out.
Coalisland Man To Sue Chemist After Very Strong Viagra Tablet Mistaken As Paracetamol
According to sources close to the pair, a Coalisland kiln-maker, Marty Guinness (61), and his partner have initiated proceedings against a chemist in Dungannon after his paracetamol purchase left him in a permanently heightened state, three days after it was consumed.
Guinness, who ordered the supposed batch of paracetamols after getting his finger caught in a gate, noticed something was wrong when his partner was giving off about the mess he’d left the small living room in, and he didn’t really mind.
“In fact I found her quite attractive,” added Guinness. “She was calling me all the bad names of the day but I just found her deadly alluring. It was then I realised it wasn’t a paracetamol I had ate, but one of them Viagras, and a strong one at that. I keep taking cold showers but to no avail. It’s very awkward in the pub, especially when you’re talking to an oul fella or a relative. I’ve had some quare looks.”
Guinness’s partner, Mary Rice, revealed that although the constant attention was flattering to start with, she is now tired of the seductive looks and has taken to hitting him with a wooden spoon.
Doctors believe the symptoms will subside soon.
Kerry Bishop Calls On All Tyrone People To Be Excommunicated After Dr Crokes Defeat
The Bishop of Killarney, Fr Paidi Sheehy, has called on the Vatican to excommunicate all Tyrone people from the Catholic Church after Kerry outfit Dr Crokes were defeated by Ballygawley outfit Errigal Ciaran for ‘crimes against gaelic tradition’.
The excommunication of Tyrone people would not be a first, after the whole county was excommunicated in 1598 when Hugh O’Neill gave the English Queen the fingers after a banquet in London. The Queen at the time was doing a line with Pope Clement VIII.
Bishop Sheehy added:
“To be honest, we’re sick and tired of Tyrone ones with their arrogant ways. They’re flash and nouveau riche and full of it. An excommunication is only the first step in a new initiative in 2025 to put them back in their 1986 box.”
Errigal Ciaran fans on their way to Croke Park have been urged to attend Mass as normal until official word comes through.
Tyrone Tribulations 