Blog Archives
Despite Further Queen Revelation, “Stupid Looking Hats”, Orange Order Calls For No Queen Bonfire Effigies In 2025
The former Queen of England, the German Elizabeth Windsor, allegedly told a close friend in a letter that as well as the 12th of July being a time for silly marching, she thought their hats were stupid looking and that most of the marchers were ‘overfed’. The Orange Order has responded by calling for no effigies of the Queen on the bonfires next year.
With bonfires already at breaking point with nationalist and republican election posters as well as GAA emblems and the Irish flags, organisers are worried that they may keel over if effigies of the royal family of England are added to the load. Bonfire strategist Billy Bunting explained:
“Listen I understand that we’re annoyed at the Queen at the minute but she might have said these things when in a bad mood. Not all the hats are silly and not all the marchers are overfed. In fact, many of us lose weight marching 10 miles til the field. I urge bonfire construction supervisors to hold back on piling on the royal family. We’ve enough to burn as it is.”
A Freddie Mercury poster was vandalised in Lisburn after the Queen’s comments became public at the weekend in what was a mistaken identity.
Irish rap band Kneecap are said to be excited about appearing in bonfires next year, as well as the rap industry in general.
Anti-Elon Musk Bonfire Appears In Tamnamore As Orange Order Protest Against ‘No Flags On Mars’ Policy
Twitter owner Elon Musk has felt the backlash of South Tyrone bonfire makers after a replica of one of his rockets appeared on a bonfire in Tamnamore in protest of his ‘no flags or bonfires on Mars’ policy.
Musk, who also knows how to say hello in Irish, recently confirmed during a meeting with the DUP in New York that there would be a strict ban on 12th of July paraphernalia on the planet Mars if humans ever manage to settle there in the near future.
Speaking on behalf of the Tamnamore Bonfire Committee (TBC), William Hopkins explained:
“Musk will need to think twice about this policy. The Mars he is depicting sounds like one devoid of culture and tradition. We even told him that if he allows bonfires on Mars, we’ll stick his arch-rival Zuckerberg the Facebook boy on the top on ours on the new planet. You can’t get more cultural than that. Teslas are shite anyway.”
The DUP have yet to comment on the bonfire as they await confirmation of whether Mars is real or not, according to the bible.
New Moygashel GAA Club ‘True Blues GFC’ Formed
True Blues GFC training
Against all the odds, Moygashel have successfully applied to become part of the GAA landscape after their club ‘True Blues GFC’ were finally affiliated as an operating GAA club as of July 12th 2014.
Moygashel, who have suffered from unwanted publicity recently, will play their first friendly against Carrickmore on the 11th night, followed by games against Coalisland Fianna, Ardboe O’Donovan Rossa and Galbally Pearses to get them acclimatised to the Tyrone county scene. The move comes after Stormont agreed a multi-million pound investment in new facilities in Moygashel including a floodlit pitch and changing rooms with individual showers.
Manager Wesley Frazer was hopeful of a positive start to life in the GAA arena:
“I know we’d have a reputation for being a bit on the Loyalist/Unionist side of the Ulster political divide but we want True Blues GFC to be the start of folk forgetting these silly tags people place on certain enclaves in the province. We have a few good ballers who are sick of the way soccer is almost now non-contact so we’re going to try our hand at the GAA and get wired into some fenians in a nice friendly way. The Carrickmore game will be explosive. I suppose I shouldn’t use that word.”
True Blues GFC will use the motto Fidelitate et honore, terra et mare which means ‘loyalty and honour on land and sea’ and their crest will have elements of the culture from the area including the Queen’s face, a bonfire and graffiti.
Frazer, who recently served time in Maghaberry for tobacco smuggling, predicts a great 11th night festival and has offered Carrickmore supporters a safe and warm welcome:
“This could be Northern Ireland turning a corner. We’ll provide crisps and mineral for the Carrickmore lads and if they want they can stay on and watch the bonfire, singing and the odd military show of strength.”
There has been a mixed reception in Carrickmore to the news of the upcoming fixture. Captain Cathal Gormley admitted:
“I’m crapping myself, and I’ve been to Ardboe.”
Hallowe’en a “Load of Balls” Claims Benburb Butcher
Jordan, today
One of Benburb’s most colourful characters, Jessie Jordan, has publicly denounced Hallowe’en as a ‘load of balls’ and has refused to partake in any ghoulish festivities around the spookingly week-long festivities in the sleepy hamlet. Driving along Benburb’s ‘Golden Mile’, Jordan’s Butchers is conspicuous with its lack of frightening decorations which adorn businesses such as Mackle’s Craftware and Mullan’s Alternative Medicine Shop on the same road.
“Let me get this out of the road straight away. If any child even thinks about knocking on my premises on Wednesday they’ll be met with a black pudding to the gob. Trick or treat? The trick will be for the accompanying parents dislodging the lamb chops from their backsides. The treat will be all mine watching their tearful retreat. It’s a pile of dung. I’ve already sabotaged five bonfires around the Moy and Eglish. Apple-bobbing? Think I want to dip my bake in a bowl full of the slabbers and snatters of cousins and the like? I’d rather ate a pig’s arse through an electric fence.”
Jordan’s vehement refusal to celebrate the pagan festival seems to date back to an unfortunate incident in 1977 when his mother baked an apple tart for consumption after the bonfire. His sister, Denise, explained:
“Jessie never really forgave my ma for that. He thought he’d play a practical joke whilst everyone was out dancing around the bonfire, half naked. He snuck in and attempted to ate the apple pie and then blame it on the dog. He didn’t know my ma had put the traditional 1p, 2p, 5p, 10p and 50p inside it. She was a generous woman and usually splattered a rake of each coin amongst it so everyone would win a good bit. Poor Jessie threw the whole thing into his mouth. We found him on the floor spitting the last of his teeth onto the floor. It was a bloody sight. He was called Gummy Jordan for years.”
Benburb holds its breath.
Tyrone Tribulations 