A Killyman teacher has declared he is definitely hanging up his chalk for the final time after announcing his 9th retirement in 9 years, much to the mirth of close friends and well-wishers from he local area.
Collie McKenna (68) was the guest of honour at the school’s end of term party in the canteen, just as he was back in 2013 when he announced his first retirement from St Ally’s Primary School in Killyman. Head teacher, and three-time retiree herself Mrs Hull, presented McKenna with a bottle of champagne and lead the singing of ‘Nine Green Bottles Sitting On The Wall’.
Mr McKenna told the assembled crowd:
“This is definitely it. I’ll not be back in September.”
before winking and smirking at the Board of Governors which sparked hysterical laughter and eye-throwing from parents and pupils.
“I’d like to thank the school for taking me back 8 times but I swear I won’t be hammering on these doors in two months. It’s time to let the young ones have a go at this teaching lark. Anyway, the redundancy package this year was the best yet. And I need to go to the toilet three times an hour now.”
Headmistress Hull announced that the job will be advertised in the Irish News next week but added that one of the essential qualifications includes at least 40 years experience in the primary school sector which again was greeted with more laughter, smirks and eye-throwing from well-wishers.
“I know we need to give young teachers a go, however it’s hard to beat experience”
to which a newly qualified teacher from the area replied with ‘bollocks to that yiz shower of gangsters” before storming off.
Sources confirmed that McKenna’s stuff is still sitting on his desk.
The entire staff of an unnamed newspaper with offices based in Omagh are facing the axe after a rebel investigative journalist uncovered a culture of hiding from the boss whilst on duty. The renegade hack, a former employee of the newspaper group in question, managed to collate video and photographic evidence of the mass skiving which will form the basis of an exclusive documentary that will be aired on mainstream TV next summer.
“Finally got the bastards,” Deckie Brogan told us, “but I wasn’t aware at the extent of it all. I caught a Stewartstown employee, laden with awards and all, and he was hiding out in the boiler house behind the car park with a mattress, pillow and mini-TV with freeview. The owners thought he was out sourcing stories on farming. He was getting them on the Internet the night before. Then there was a boy from Beragh who was hiding behind a skip in the town when he was meant to be at football matches getting reports. He’d set an alarm to go off about fifteen minutes before the the end of the working day, check the scores on Twitter and go back to the offices looking foundered for effect. It was widespread.”
Fermanagh man Brogan will also relate the story of a Derry journalist who insisted on wearing dark glasses supposedly because of the glare of the screen. He simply slept with his hands on the keyboard. An Armagh employee, who was meant to be sourcing articles on fashion trends, would leave the office at half nine, check into the Silver Berch Hotel and read the Ulster Tatler for a few hours. One of the journalists who was caught redhanded admitted:
“Ah Jeepers, I’m done for now. It’s a sad state of affairs that a private sector worker can’t hide but that’s a sign of the times. I might as well get another job that I can do a bit of skiving in. Teaching maybe.”
The newspaper are asking readers to text in their choice as to who should be sacked first. Texts cost £2.