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Guide To Pomeroy For Visiting Kerry Supporters
Tyrone’s National League game with Kerry has been moved to Pomeroy. Here, we offer Kerry GAA supporters a quick guide to help them stay safe and secure at Tyrone’s highest point.
THE MOUNTAINS
One of the unofficial wonders of the world, the Mountains of Pomeroy have been honoured by many in print and song.
However, geologists have yet to find the mountains. That is not to say there are no mountains as visitors have often complained of feeling light-headed in the village, although that has been put down to local pastimes such as diesel laundering and home distilleries. Kerry people should not worry about bringing walking sticks or hiking boots.
THE DIAMOND
The Diamond has also been studied by government officials but has yet to have its own song. In the last 12 months, 23 people have tried to leave the Diamond but ended up in the same place as they started due to its unusual shape. Remembering landmarks is pointless as all the buildings look the same. A good tip is to close your eyes and run in a straight line to try to get out of the Diamond’s magnetic grip. Locals are angry that it doesn’t get the same media coverage as its sister phenomenon, the Bermuda Triangle. It is also rumoured that the Diamond was the basis for the TV show Lost.
LOCALS, ANIMALS AND CUSTOMS
Be prepared for long tailbacks behind diggers and lorries. For 300 years, anyone living in the village MUST own a digger, or a lorry at the very least. Cattle also roam the streets, acting as mobile speed bumps. The cattle also guard all entry and exit points and are said to have long memories, often targeting people who litter or drive too fast. Dogs also outnumber cats by 5 to 1 but are toilet trained, using many of the portaloos scattered around fields from abandoned attempts to build more houses. Don’t pet them though.
THINGS TO DO
- Pomeroy is home to the world’s only corrugated iron museum.
2. Ring the bell at the Church of Ireland belfry and run away.
3. Look up the road towards towards Carrickmore
4. Visit the forest and try to spot the trees
5. Look up the road towards Donaghmore
ENJOY YOUR STAY
Travel Agents In Moy ‘Bunged To Gills’ After Armagh Reach All-Ireland Final
Queues stretching as far as Charlemont were reported yesterday as hundreds of Tyrone people from the south of the county booked holidays from Jordan’s Travel Agents in the Moy in the immediate aftermath of the All-Ireland semi-finals. In an unrelated event, their neighbours Armagh qualified for their first All-Ireland final in 22 years.
Early indications suggest that the favoured destination was ‘anywhere you can get me‘ and for a timespan of ‘at least 14 days‘. One holiday-goer, Freddie Cavanagh, spoke to us after leaving the shop following a 3-hour queueing session:
“Ach we just decided we need out of here for a bit. There weren’t many places left by the time we got into the shop and ended up booking a package holiday in South Sudan for 18 days. It was cheap and we were told it might be a bit dangerous but sure we went to Strabane last week and it was grand. It’ll do.”
Jordan’s Travel Agents cited their busiest day since September 2002 and reckon the poor weather has pushed people to extreme measures.
Meanwhile, the Moy Safe Neighbourhood Watch (MSNW) group is on high alert after plans for a successful Armagh homecoming were leaked this morning. The timeline includes mistakenly taking a wrong turn before they get to Armagh city, and driving through Eglish and the Moy. The MSNW has warned of zero tolerance towards unwanted traffic.
Mounting Concern Over Travel Agent’s Website Claims About Tyrone
Ballygawley Play Park?
By Shengas McGlumphie
News emerged last night that the Dungannon & South Tyrone District Council are investigating over 14’000 complaints from the US relating to false or exaggerated claims about Tyrone made by independent travel agent Sperrin Travels, based in Cookstown.
Sean Keegan, owner and manager of the business which caters for the lucrative American market, is accused of creating falsehoods or embellishments based on scant knowledge of the area, which were published on the website as fact. The site boasted a whole series of attractions, including:
Ballygawley Play Park! If you like Disneyland, Epcot and the Magic Kingdom, then you’ll love Ballygawley Play Park. Experience the thrills and spills of numerous rides including the Magic Slide, Runaway Roundabout, and the Neverland Swings that even Peter Pan would love! Fairytale dreams really do come true in Ballygawley Play Park!
“Damn it to hell” said a furious Biff Masterson from America. “We’d gotten our travel booked and came all the way from the good old US of A and darn it, now our whole darned itinerary is in a pickle. Gee, this guy really needs a kick in the fanny. Our first day at Ballygawley Play Park was a god damn tragedy. A swing, a slide and a drunk man singing ‘Three Blind Mice”.
Keegan has been accused of exaggerating the truth beyond all recognition and failing to check even the most basic of facts about Tyrone and its environs:
“Sure, it’s easy done” said a shame-faced Keegan, who only recently loved to Tyrone from Dublin 6 months ago. “Who’d have thought there would be a place called Greencastle without there being a feckin’ green castle in it? No mills in Newmills – that’s just a stupid name then.”
The website also said it could organise a tour of all the likely sites of ‘the world-famous ‘Pomeroy Diamond’, a rare gemstone worth millions buried somewhere in the County that has proved as elusive and as enigmatic as the one thon old woman dropped into the sea at the end of Titanic’.
Chet Hogan, also from America, said
“Wow, seriously. This dude needs to wake up and smell the coffee already. We’ve water-boarded folks in Guantamino for less”.
The website has since been taken off-line as Keegan hastily re-writes the website, including its descriptions of Coalisland, Windmill and Washingbay.
Tyrone Tribulations 