Blog Archives
Castlederg Launch Bid To Host Winter Olympics After Another Cold Night. Barra Best To Light Torch.
After another night of sub-zero temperatures, Castlederg has officially launched its bid to host the 2038 Winter Olympics, with the hope that Healy Park will come on board and be used as the centre for skating and curling.
With the thermometer reaching minus six (-6) last night, Castlederg was colder than parts of the Alps around 3am. In recent years, a clatter of sherpas have made their home in Castlederg, such is the demand for guides through the Derg’s more treacherous areas.
Tourism in the area will greatly benefit if they get the decision, especially the deli in the local shop, which comes highly recommended.
Barra Best, who has helped put Castlederg on the world map with his highest and lowest temperatures throughout the year, will be asked to light the opening day torch. If unavailable that day, they are to ask Coolio the rapper or John Lynch.
A statue to Barra is to be discussed if they get the rights for the 2038 gig.
GAA To Offer Grants To Players Who Have Famous Partners
Following on from the Superbowl hype around a Kansas City Chiefs player and a famous singer, GAA officials met this morning to rubber stamp a series of bursaries and grants that will be made available for young GAA players if they manage to find a famous partner.
Over seven million 10-year-olds watched the Superbowl this year due to Taylor Swift’s presence at the game, something that Croke Park would like to see replicated in Ireland.
The GAA’s director of Positive PR, Malachy Cullen, revealed the extent of the financial rewards:
“Say for example, a young man from Trillick started going out with Beyoncé, then he could expect to receive a tax-free grant of up to £50’000 as long as she attends at least four of Tyrone’s big games. The fact that she has a fada in her name would possibly pave the way for more money. We need these lads to step up a bit and try being attractive to big stars across the world.”
Cullen, however, revealed that there would be no back pay after Tyrone legend John Lynch asked if he could receive a lump sum because he tackled Sheena Easton outside the Greenvale in 1979.
Tyrone Themed Hats, Scarves and ‘Dreamy’ Face Masks On Sale For Donegal Clash
In order to whip up county passion before the winner-takes-all Ulster Championship clash in a couple of months against Donegal, a dubious unofficial county merchandise company have jumped on the pandemic bandwagon to produce high quality ‘dreamy’ face masks for all ages.
You’re On Your Own Ltd have created a range of masks covering famous people, landmarks and songs from the county. Company spokesman Peter Pinkwhistle explained:
At this time, more than ever, we need Tyronnies to come together and show their support for our top players as they slug it out against the mountain men from Donegal. And how better to do that than have a bandaged dreamy Brian Dooher on your lips, or dribbling over the dreamy Ardboe Cross. The dreamy Blanket on the Ground one has already received over 500 orders, 498 of those from Pomeroy. They all have a highly technical dreamy effect outline done by my son on the Photoshop.”
The face masks retail at £9.99 and you can get a scarf and a hat thrown in for £20.
Future issues will included Ger Cavlan walking around Dungannon in jeans, John Lynch in leather on a motorbike in Urney and Sean Teague wrestling a horse with the one arm in a field near Kildress.
Fear Of East Tyrone Influx Sees Omagh Schools Trial Accent Tests
Omagh Christian Brothers’ Grammar School and the town’s Loreto Grammar, who plan to phase out transfer selection entirely by 2020, have quietly admitted to a real fear that children from East Tyrone will try to infiltrate their halls of learning.
And in a move to counter the threat, both schools are currently trialling accent and behavioural tests to weed out any 11-year old within 15 miles of Lough Neagh, a move which does not go against the Catholic church’s stance on the selection process.
An anonymous member of the Board of Governors from one of these prestigious schools admitted they are on red alert:
“We had an Open Night recently and the amount of parents saying ‘ghost oh‘ at the Science experiments was alarming to say the least. And a lot of them were wearing turned-up jeans which were far too short in the leg which is a real sign they’re east of the Ballygawley roundabout people.”
A leaked document shows how prospective pupils will be shown a picture of a woman, asked what they see and if they shout ‘blade‘ they’ll be asked to leave the premises immediately. Pupils will also be asked to recite the whole of Me an’ me Da (Livin’ in Drumlister) by The ‘Bard of Tyrone’, the Rev. W. F. Marshall. Again, any 11-year old who doesn’t rhyme it off within a minute will not receive a place in either school.
This is not the first time a Tyrone school has resorted to extreme entrance measures. In 1986, St Patrick’s Boys’ Academy in Dungannon refused entry to a First Year when he arrived carrying a John Lynch (Castlederg) lunchbox, or ‘lynchbox’ as the young boy called it as he took the bus back to Omagh later that morning.
Tyrone GAA Dark Arts College Closes As Senior Team Agree To Take Hammerings Again
After a heated debate at their Garvaghey Centre of Excellence regarding the national perception of the county, the entire Tyrone GAA management team have decided to revert to their 1960s, 70s, 80 and 90s form and get beat out the gate every time they play outside of Ulster in order to get people to like them again.
On top of this, the Tyrone GAA School of Dark Arts is to close with immediate effect with college professors Ryan McMenamin, Conor Gormley and Noel McGinn taking their last session tonight on gouging, slagging and nipping.
The discussion, which was chaired by ex-county player Plunkett Donaghy, discovered that the national affinity of Tyrone worsened the more games they won against non-Ulster outfits whilst they were at their most loved when they were getting hammered by the likes of Dublin, Kerry or Cork 20 years ago and beyond.
Donaghy confirmed:
“We’ve decided to just lay down any time we come out of Ulster and not compete at a decent level. If that’s what it takes for the Dublin media to like us again then we’ll do it. We were everyone’s second favourite team in 1984 when we got blitzed by Dublin. After Meath hammered us in 1996, people just loved Tyrone. Now, we win a few games and we’re public enemy number one. It’s quite simple really and I don’t know why we didn’t think of it earlier.”
The closure of the GAA School of Dark Arts in Dregish will leave thousands of under-age footballers in the county lacking in the qualities that have obviously propelled Tyrone to greatness since 2003. Donaghy says there are no plans to open the college for the foreseeable future:
“Southern media rightly identified that we have been systematically coaching our young players how to log on to the Facebook accounts of opponents and gather crucial information on their girlfriends and mothers and stuff. Pascal Canavan himself was a master at this. Well, as from tonight, Professor Canavan will have to find another sideline. Brian Dooher’s students who have almost finished their Masters in ‘Half Somersaults in Tuck Position’ will have their fees refunded. “
Players who attempt to score heavily in games against non-Ulster sides will be instantaneously dropped from the squad and sent to Urney. Clubs are also prohibited from coaching Dark Arts in their clubrooms, even in Moortown.
Tyrone Tribulations 