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Maurice Deegan Joins List Of Tyrone Christmas Card Snubs
Not to be seen this winter
After a series of baffling decisions in the All-Ireland Semi Final yesterday, Maurice Deegan was added to the list of public figures that Tyrone people are not to send Christmas Cards to whether they know them or not.
Deegan, who has reportedly been given the freedom of Kerry to herd goats down any town’s Main Street, becomes the 10th GAA figure on the list joining luminaries such as Paddy Heaney, Ciaran Whelan, Colm O’Rourke, Pat Spillane, Paddy Russell, Charlie Redmond, Declan O’Sullivan, Joe Brolly and Kevin McStay.
Tyrone Post Office PR Sammy Hurson reminded the public that there’ll be regular checks at their depots throughout December:
“We can confirm that Deegan has been added to the list so we’ve hired a few extra workers to make sure no Christmas Cards slip through and make their ways to these dastardly men. Any cards addressed to the ten men will be burned on the spot and filmed on YouTube.”
With Brolly and Heaney having a rash of Tyrone relations, the PO have suggested donating the price of a card and stamp to the Strabane Donkey Sanctuary or to sponsor a an eel up at the fishery in Toome.
Meanwhile, Deegan has been given the freedom of Kerry ‘For Services To The Kingdom’ according to a Kerry newspaper. The ‘Kerry Kop’ states that Deegan will be free to herd goats anywhere he wants as long as he uses a bit of blue pipe to shepherd the goats and not a stick or a quad bike.
Sources confirmed that Deegan is unaware of the offer but is unlikely to accept the offer after turning down a lifetime membership of the Mayo Supporters’ Society in 2013.
Out And About – Reaction To Mayo Defeat
This morning we took a spin around the county and stopped anyone walking around fields or roads to ask their opinion of yesterday’s defeat to Mayo:
“Ah I didn’t really watch it. I was glued to Celebrity Big Brother live feed.”
PETER CAMPBELL (88) CLONOE
“To be honest I missed the whole thing. I got parked in Clonliffe College and opened the picnic the wife made me. 24 sandwiches, 4 packets of Kimberley Mikados, 3 flasks of tea, 5 Paris buns and a slap of potato salad. By the time I finished that lot off it was well into the second half.”
GEOFFREY MCELHINNY (56) STRABANE
“Disappointed. Himself will be in the house now every weekend with that big oul grumpy head on him watching cowboys films.”
MARY SCULLION (44) ARDBOE
“What did ye expect from a group of lads wearing bras. Bras! In my day the jersey was made out of aluminium and the chest would be scored off you. Not even red and white bras like”.
PETER MOSSEY (56) PLUMBRIDGE
“Maurice Deegan. Pure and simple. The bollocks could only point the one road. And Maurice isn’t the name of a good referee. You’d need a Pat or a Mick. Not Maurice.”
P O’NEILL (70) DERRYTRESK
“I blame Datsun Donaghy and that Cavanagh song. I had binoculars with me and swear I saw Sean humming that buckin song. It went til his head. Them binoculars are some job. Makes the TV seem really close.”
PADDY DONNELLY (38) DONAGHMORE
“That Greencastle girl who drove up Croagh Patrick scudded us.”
DANNY DEVLIN (36) GREENCASTLE
“Gingerism. Them Mayo ones are well known for their ginger discrimination. They targeted Peter Harte straight away. The poor wee ginger genius didn’t stand a chance. I saw them giving him dirty looks during the parade.”
RON MCGINN (51) DRUMQUIN
Tyrone Tribulations 